i'm not sleeping anytime soon.
i'm not really sure what i should be saying. i'm a whole bunch of things right now. excited. for next wednesday i'm seeing avenged sevenfold and stone sour. just the fact i'm getting to hear corey taylor sing live is making me all dreamy and excitable. nervous. i'm handing in my minor assignment for scriptwriting on monday. i'm not sure any of it is any good. i hate not feeling some kind of confidence about my writing. i have no faith in this minor whatsoever. the major might be better, it's worth more, so hopefully i'll get at least the d minus i need to pass. lonely. i tried an experiment the other week. i was waiting to see which one of my friends would text me first, but i caved and texted them all about a halloween bar crawl. i'm so freaking weak and dependent on them, it's disgusting.
i have a new job. it's at wynsors world of shoes. i get to stand in the stock room for three hours on wednesday evenings, putting security tags on shoes and threading them together. it's less hours and less money than the club was, but it's so much better. everyone was so, so nice to me. there's no internal bitching, everyone just seems to genuinely get along and like each other. it's nice. i'm still applying for a second job at weekends, just to earn a little more money.
my best friend doesn't feel like my best friend anymore. we're so disconnected. a few months back we were close. now, we're not. i feel closer to beau and liz than rachel. it upsets me. the more we pull, the more she pushes us away. it's like there's a wall dividing us, and i hate it. things never used to be this way. she doesn't want to come out with us anymore. wherever we go, whatever we do, she declines. beau spends every day with her at uni, and apparently she's exactly the same there. it's horrible. she told beau she doesn't have a best friend. well, thanks a lot. i've just been there through everything over the past eight years, but clearly that doesn't matter. i'm not sure what to do about her anymore. i can't handle this hot and cold attitude. all of us have fallen apart, despite mine and beau's attempts at holding us together. it's cemented my decision. i'm heading back to derby in january. i can't handle this much longer.
i'm over him. good and proper. i don't wish to type his name. he's still my friend. i'm still holding him close, because he knows things about me that not even my mum does. but it's done. part of me is glad it never got further than a one sided kiss, and a few almost moments after that. i didn't want to become one of his disposable girls. sticking with one for a few months, before crumbling and moving onto the next.
i can listen to florence again without thinking of him.
i have a lot to be happy about. there are people in the world with far bigger problems than mine. people who don't have roofs over their heads or enough food to have three meals a day. but of course, the selfish part of me feels like the tiny problems are the end of the world. my scriptwriting lecturers are douche bags and my best friend isn't that anymore, someone catch my world before it shatters into a thousand pieces.
