I don't really know where to begin. It's been a weird 24 hours.
I got back to Derby yesterday and I was really excited to be back. My boyfriend did his two exams for the semester yesterday, and I went over to his last night. I went back to Sheffield last week, so I wouldn't be distracting him from revision. I'm bored and hate being by myself in our igloo house, so I've been spending a lot of time at his. When I'm actually here anyway.
The later it gets, the deeper our conversations get. I was saying how I don't want uni to ever end. We've gone on about it a few times in the past, but it feels more real now we're in 2012, as it's our graduating year. It's terrifying. So, I got extremely upset after my boyfriend said he would finish things with me if we have to live too far away from one another. He didn't realise I'd be willing to go wherever he needs to. He knows what he wants to do, and I don't. I'm taking time to think it through. And it made me feel really shitty. I've always been everyone's last resort and everyone's second option and I just broke down and cried for an hour. He felt really bad and apologised profusely. I agree with him though. I don't think I could cope being in a long distance relationship. I barely got through two weeks away from him at Christmas. I just, it's been building up for a long time. I've always been the second option with all my friends and it just pushed me over the edge. Someone I've put so much into saying that. Granted, his point was valid, and I agreed with it, he just worded it very, very badly.
It's soppy and pathetic and I hate him a bit for it. We've had a rough 24 hours, a lot has happened between us and he's really been there for me when he didn't have to be. I don't love him. Yet. I like him a lot. He makes me ridiculously happy and the thought of him not being there anymore is really painful. I'm crying now just thinking about it.
I've come to be really reliant on him, and I hate myself for it. Last summer I had walls sky high around myself. No one could get in. Then I met Gary. And I trusted him quickly, and it's hard for me to do that. I tell him a lot of things that I wouldn't tell anyone else. I find it hard to open up to people, and I feel really weak being dependent on others. I grew such a thick skin and now I'm back to being vulnerable again. I'm just scared. I've trusted him with so much and I can't imagine him not being there. I don't want to seem pathetic. I didn't ever think it'd be forever, I'm not sure I even believe in forever, but I just felt I was on to something good. I am. I adore him. I'm just feeling a bit, let down. It feels like our relationship is a time bomb now. We're just waiting for it to explode and end.
