i'll see you on the flipside. - university reflection.

Back in 2009, I started Derby University sobbing my heart out. Mum and dad dropped me off at Nunnery Court, helped me settle in slightly and left me to it. I have never been so scared of anything in my entire life. I was living by myself. I'd have to cook and clean and be independent. It was a terrifying thought. At the time, I'd only been 18 for a couple of months, and I still felt like a baby. I feared my flatmates wouldn't like me, or I wouldn't like them and living there would be unbearable. I've never been so wrong about anything. Our little flat was perfect for that first semester. We went out all the time, we watched films together, just hung around in each others rooms. It was a blast, and I made some good friends for that first year. The one bad thing that will probably always haunt me about first year was that I never really clicked with anyone in my class. I thought they were all into anime and I didn't think I could level with any of them at all. So, I distanced myself. I had a couple of friends. Kat and Tom. (The former has remained my friend ever since we met) and I thought it'd be the same in second year.

First year was a blur. I think it was that year that gave me the confidence to continue. I remember the first ever spoken word lecture we had and Raymond had us go round and introduce ourselves, and say what things we liked to write. A lot of students said they'd written several novels already (none published) and I felt a bit daunted by it all. I had literally pulled the subject of creative writing out of my arse. I wrote bits and bobs in secret, and I was riding on that coat tail. There wasn't really any other reason for my being there. I'd never thought about writing novels or getting published. I just knew I had a raw talent that needed some work. And so, I was just the girl from Sheffield who sat near the loners and stragglers and always had to work with them.

In second year things were a bit different. I lived at home due to a housing situation falling through. So I feel that I missed out on a lot of things. I remained good friends with Tom and got into a group of joint honours/creative writers and the four of us stuck together most of the time. I loved hanging around with those three boys. I felt that because of them, my second year work flourished and my confidence in my work grew. Then I'll never forget that bus journey to uni when Aden sat next to me. He was part of what I called 'the anime group' in our class. He gave me his number and added me on Facebook and said I'd have to go out with them some time.

After that, I ended up signing a housing contract with Aden, Ben and Kim for third year, and I was invited to join this massive group of friends. It was weird, and it was strange, but I enjoyed it. After hand in, I went to stay at their house for a few nights and we went out to Mosh and Blue Note and I was introduced to this whole other world I'd missed out on. Then there was Michael, who I had a bit of a thing with at the time.

Then came third year. I moved into Crompton Street on the 1st September, and it's been an absolute shit storm ever since. Not always in a bad way, of course. I remember mum and dad leaving and I just sat in my computer chair, wondering how it was all going to turn out. I wasn't very close with anyone, and I wondered if Michael was going to keep to his promises of waiting for me over summer. (He didn't of course.) Those first few weeks were so surreal. I cried over Michael, started things with Gary, we went to Alton Towers, had meals, nights in Blue Note and Mosh, and it was mental. Things had to die down eventually. We slipped into a routine of lecturers, and going out on Friday's, and having people's birthday's. The very stressful Halloween party, a lovely night at the park for the fireworks, countless quizzes, and the night we actually won it, ethical request form dramas, people splitting up, people getting together. So much happened in that first semester. I found out things I really didn't want to know.

And so we came to 2012. Our graduating year. Makes it all seem so final. But, still. I've gotten through a total of thirteen modules (none of which I chose to do myself), one referral, several friends, one flat, one house, one boyfriend, a lot of frustrations, and drunken kisses, king's game dares, bad times and good.

I am disappointed in myself overall. I do wish I could've gotten better grades and a better degree. Gary has constantly reassured me and told me there's nothing more I could have done. The lecturers did mislead us, and I do feel somewhat betrayed, but there's not a great deal I can do about it right now. I've ended up with a 2:2. But it's not the end of the world. I can still do an MA. I can still do all the things I want to do in life. I just need to work on building my confidence back up.

This past year has taught me a lot. I've learned a lot about relationships. I enjoyed being with Gary, and I'm glad we can continue as friends. We had a really good run. Nine whole months without one argument, go us. It was upsetting saying bye, and it did break my heart. It was awful being there without him, but it's been better since I moved back home. I've also learned a lot about friendships. That the most unlikely friends are there at the right times. I've been so grateful to have Ben and Tom around this year. Kim and her ways taught me a lot. I learned not to trust people again. Despite all the shit she put us through, I wouldn't have changed it. She made me and Ben closer and has given us plenty of material to work with. As well as her there was Annie and Rachel, who I've always been thankful for. Creative practice felt like an escape, where I could spend time with those two and we could talk about all the things we wanted to. And there's been Darren, Alex, Emma, Aden, Jayde and everyone else.

It has been the most mental, yet brilliant three years, and despite all the drama and disappointment, I would never ever take back the experiences I've had or the friends I've got for the world.

you hold my heart, so don't let go.

Strange week.

The formal social on Friday was bound to be a bittersweet affair. Alex left to move back to Bournemouth on Saturday, so Friday was his last night and the last time we're going to see him until graduation. During the bit at university, I stuck with Gary, Annie, Haydn, Rachel and Liam. So it was us three girls and our boyfriends. Some of whom aren't as nice as others. Looking at you, Liam. It was a really nice evening. Moy made a little speech and teared up. Ben read out a flash fiction and Alex explained the concept behind his box which he handed in. It was lovely meeting his parents. And drinking as much free wine as Adrian and Moy would pour for us. Then we went to the Jonty. Had a giggle with Jesus and Ben. Told Tom everything and tried not to cry when Alex said goodbye. Drunk Moy was hilarious how she was horrified by Gary's stretcher in his ear. It was a fitting end, and it was all really nice. We ended up back at our house with fifteen cheesy dippers and lots to talk about.

Alton Towers was disastrous for about half an hour. Everyone dropped out an hour before we were due to meet. So we pulled some strings, figured it out, made a plan and it ended up that Kim went with her parents and me, Ben and Tom went together. And it was fucking brilliant. It honestly couldn't have been a better day. I love those two and the conversations we have. There was no tension, because as Tom put it 'it's nice, because, you know, we all like each other'. Lots of inside jokes, especially Tom's first ride on Hex. And Squirrel Nutty being the highlight of the day. We managed to get on Oblivion, Thirteen, Nemesis, Nemesis Sub Terra, Duel and Hex, and we went round the aquarium. Queues weren't too horrific, I think the longest we waited was for Sub Terra, and sorely regretted it as it wasn't brilliant. The photo's were hilarious. It was such a good day, and in the end, it turned out for the best that it was just us three.

Since then, I've not really done much. Spent time with people. Annie and Rachel came round on Monday to watch girly films and eat our body weight in cheese puffs, popcorn and chocolate. I had counselling on Tuesday morning, and Rik was really nice. Unfortunately, so I could be seen quicker, I'm not able to see him for the next three weeks, so I have a woman called Billie. Although she'll have all the details, so I'm hoping it'll help. Yesterday I spent the day with Annie after having my eyeforpharma interview. I aced it, and was sent a writing assessment so they can get the style of my writing and see if it's suitable for the site. Hopefully it will be since it's £30 per published article and I'll be doing two per week. So yeah, me and Annie bought make up and had a lengthy chat about everything. Then last night Aden invited Tom and Emma round to watch films and drink. Kim made everything so awkward. Fortunately, she's gone to Alton Towers again with her other friends, and by the time she gets back I'll be getting fat in TGI Friday's with Gary.

I'm feeling a bit more positive. Of course there is some underlying sadness. The other day I went to Gary's and set Spyro up on his computer, and noticed a little date written on his whiteboard with nothing next to it. I could only assume it was the date of his departure. Ended up in tears once again, because in all honesty, I didn't want to know. Fortunately, he's gained an extra week, due to the original date making him leave before results day. But it's still painful to think about. I'm trying to disconnect myself from him slightly, but it's not working. I doubt it ever will.

This next week is a busy one. Tonight is TGI's date with Gary to celebrate his university ending today after his climate exam. My sister also did her first exam today in sociology and apparently it went well. Very pleased for them both! This weekend I'll probably spend it at Gary's. Monday night is Jesus's birthday shin dig, Monday Mosh, should be good. Tuesday is the quiz at the Jonty, because we're missing it, and we want to do it whilst people are still around. Wednesday Aden has organised a murder mystery dinner. He's cooking, eek! And it's Egyptian themed. It should be a good laugh. Then who knows beyond that. Hopefully spend some time with other people too. A few of them are heading down to London for Expo next Friday for the weekend and after that I'm home for a few days for Mum's birthday and Rhod Gilbert. Lots of stuff coming up!

better days are far behind me.

I feel like a lot has happened.

I went home and finished Mockingjay. Have to say, I'm very disappointed with the ending. The whole book wasn't as good as the previous two. But that's generally the way it goes in a series. There's always a weak link. Part of the reason why I try and avoid series style stories.

Gary and I had the long awaited talk. The one which determines what the hell we were going to do once this year is over. And long story short, we decided to break up. I kind of knew this would be the case. Way back in January, we had a similar conversation and he said long distance wasn't an option for him. It'd hurt and it wouldn't be fair to either of us. We're so used to only going a couple of days without seeing each other, and months and months would be too painful. Over the past few months I have thought he'd changed his mind. I kind of hoped he would. Back in January he was so blunt about it, and it really hurt me. I thought I wasn't enough for him to want to go through with it. I realise now, that isn't the case. I'm more than enough for him, he just doesn't want to go through that pain again and I can't blame him for looking out for himself. I've been doing the same since we had the dreaded talk.

I cried really hard. I haven't cried that much for a month or so now. It was horrible. And afterwards I felt numb and empty. He stayed at our house that night and dragged me round to Godfather's to buy pizza and cheesy dippers. Then we watched Saw 3. Things felt really different and horrible and it wasn't right. Then we spent all day yesterday together and we went to his house. I started playing on Spyro and got really frustrated when I couldn't do something. In the end, I burst into tears and we talked more. He cried. It's the first time I've seen him show any kind of emotion about this whole situation, and it sounds awful, but I felt better for it. It was agony to see him cry, but at the same time, I'm glad he's shown some sort of emotion. I trust that he was upset, but it really all came out last night. It was horrible. The whole situation is awful. I keep going over in my mind, that Adele quote when she says she had to accept the fact she'd met the love of her life at the wrong time. I think this is similar. Maybe not quite love, but I like this boy, more than anyone before him and possibly more than anyone after him. It feels so unfair that I have this wonderful person, who I want and need and he's slipping away.

The worst part, according to him, is the fact that we don't hate each other. There's no bitterness. Neither of us want to break up, but the alternative isn't plain sailing. He gave me a glimmer of hope for a few months time, but I don't want to set my heart on it. I know how fickle people can be. I get that it'll take some time to get over, it's just not nice not knowing how long. I don't want to feel like this for days never mind months or years. He said last night it'll take him a damn sight longer than the summer to get over me. I think I'm the same. I'll just go numb, stop listening to the music we listen to because it hurts too much.

But, we're still going to be friends. We agree the most painful thing when we're apart is an inability to talk to one another. So, yeah. I think it's possible. We won't see each other, it'll literally just be bbm's. It's going to be the hardest thing walking away from this boy and this wonderful relationship we have, but it's the only option.

In other more happier news. I found my MA. Music management at the University of Sheffield. Applying this weekend, and then need to find funding. But yes, that's what I want to do. I want to work in the music industry, not as an artist as I don't have the talent for it, but in that sector. I hope to god I get on, because any more rejections won't be good for my mental health right now. But over the summer I'm also going to do a year's publishing and editing course, which you do from home. So I will also have that to keep my occupied.

This week I feel like I've learned a lot. The walls have gone back up. I had a second helix piercing. We have our final farewell at university tonight, then cokes in the Jonty and a good portion of cheesy dippers from Letz Eat, then tomorrow is Alton Towers. There's lots to look forward to, but at the same time I can't squash the feelings of dread building up.

Counsellor Rik will have a tough job on his hands next Tuesday.

and it always ends the same.

So my university portfolios are currently sitting on my bedroom floor, printed, formatted, paginated, sorted into their folders with title sheets and contents tables. Handing in tomorrow. The day before official hand in. Terrifying.

It feels really weird now. Everyone keeps saying it's over, but really, it isn't. Most of us are sticking around till the end of June/beginning of July. So we've got another two months to go. But yeah, university's over, lectures are, but it feels more like the start of something new. I am scared, of course. All my life I've gone from education establishment to education establishment and I've always known where I'd end up. Now, I have no idea. Tonight I'm sending off my application to Oxford Brookes. I have no funding, but we'll see what happens. I'm also applying for an editoral internship, where you work from home. It's for a beauty and fashion website. Hopefully I'll get it. I want something to occupy my time.

Last night was horrid. I was in the middle of printing and I started panicking. My hands and legs were shaking, I didn't know what was happening. I felt like crying as well. So Ben, being the wonderful friend that he is, suggested going for a long walk. And my, did we walk. We went all the way up the main road, and turned off up a road we've never been up before and just went wherever the wind may take us. In the end, we ended up on the road where Gary lives. Then we went up to Ben's halls from first year and home in time for Made in Chelsea. It was lovely weather, and it was a really nice walk. I think it'll be happening more often when the weather gets warmer.

Today, Rachel asked me what I was going to do when I have to leave this house. I said probably go home. She said, where does Gary live? North Wales. She actually got a bit mad with him, then said 'you'll be fine, there's trains'. Then Sam charged in with 'Gary lives in the arse end of nowhere.' Cheers for the vote of confidence, Sam. No wonder me and him aren't good friends anymore. But yeah, and I didn't feel upset. For the first time. Of course, since it's played on my mind a touch, if it hadn't, I wouldn't be typing this out. But, I don't feel like crying. I feel a bit disconnected from him this week. I get that we're both busy, but a couple of hours bbm-ing before bed won't kill him. But instead, he'd rather give in to his latest obsession - weight lifting and work out for an hour rather than talk to me. Maybe things will get better after Thursday. I don't know. Good thing is, Rachel's coming out Friday night, eep! Cannot wait to get drunk with her. So when Gary's running off with Jesus in the smoking area, I can stick with her and dance on the metal floor.

I feel a bit numb towards him, truth be told. On Sunday, I stayed at his and I got on a bit of a downer. He was nagging me to get my Oxford application sorted and I've been stressing because my lecturers haven't been responding to my emails. And so, I got a bit negative and stressy and went on a bit rant about how I'll probably not get in. I have back ups if I don't. But still, he says I annoy him when I get all negative. Which made me feel like shit in all honesty. All his ex's have been depressed properly, on anti-depressants and everything. Whereas, I'm not. I'm going through so much right now, and I really need him and I feel like he's not there. He says how much he's there for me and stuff, but whenever I want to talk or just be on a downer for half an hour, he gets the face on. I literally have only Ben to talk to these days and sometimes it's just not enough.

I've started building up the walls again, prepping myself to get hurt and put the armour back on. I know relationships can be hard sometimes, but when the 22 year old is acting like a 12 year old when his girlfriend needs him the most is ridiculous. I like him, I really fucking do, but I can't be dealing with the moods and how he makes me feel guilty for feeling the way I do.

For now, I need to go and try and sort out some sort of future.

i will live and learn my lesson.

Bit more positive post this time.

I FINISHED ALL MY UNI WORK. I just need to proofread everything and format it to be in line with the dreadful subject style sheet. Gonna start doing some of that in a bit. But the bulk is done. All the writing, agonising and what not, is finished. I actually can't believe how organised I've been this year compared to the previous two years. This time last year I had only just started writing my focus 2 report on fairytales, and now I have my focus 3 article complete and I have to proofread it and add in my references. It's incredible how much actually being here has helped. I am really happy with my short fictions portfolio, I love my article on censorship in young adult fiction and why it is a bad idea, and then my love/hate relationship with my creative practice final piece has been put to rest. I do like my extended story. I'm gutted it's not the lolhilarious comedy I intended it to be, but it'll probably get a better mark staying as it is.

Hand in is on Thursday. I'm hoping to have everything in on Wednesday to avoid the queues and the rush. Gary's work is in for the same day, although theirs might be electronically. But if not, that'd just be another class of people rushing to B block to hand in. It's always so stressful, and because we have two folders for each module the women behind the counter get all confused sometimes.

Mum rang me this afternoon. She's saving me an Alton Towers voucher. Despite the fact we probably already have enough between four people. Since me and Ben are getting in for free, thanks to mum's bff giving my sister the tickets for her birthday. Clare doesn't like rollercoasters and can't really get there anyway, whereas we can jump on the special Alton Towers bus. That's happening in about 3 weeks. Very excited. Especially since Tom's coming this time too, and me and him and Ben combined is always a good laugh.

This week will be stressful. I had a bit of a cry yesterday. I was trying to edit my classroom exercise on genre, and Julia had directed us towards sci-fi and horror, the two genres I avoid like the plague. And I felt like I couldn't do it. The idea of finishing this course and getting decent grades seemed so far away from me, I broke down. I cried for ages, on and off, then I started thinking about Grandma and all the things Mum said last week before I left to come back to Derby. I hate thinking about the fragile lady that is my grandmother having a nervous breakdown. I hate knowing that she once felt the same way I did. It seems alien, like she didn't deserve it at all. But then begs the question, do I deserve it? Probably not. But it plays on my mind. I don't like to think of her ever feeling more vulnerable than she already is. Also found out today that she doesn't read books anymore, due to her Alzheimer's, because she can't keep up with the story. That's really saddened me. I'm almost tempted to pass on a book of short stories to her, just so she can keep reading. Between them, my mother and grandma were the people that got me reading. I feel like I owe it to her slightly, especially as she was so nice on the phone last weekend and left me a bookmark.

I'm dreading everyone putting things on Facebook this week. I haven't done a bragging status about finishing, because I've been on the receiving end of so many of my course mates putting up statuses about writing a couple of hundred words and needing a pat on the back for it. That, and three of them are downstairs workshopping very early drafts of stories they should really have finished by now. I sound all high and mighty, but I'm really pissed off with a lot of people in our class as of late. We've been setting up workshop sessions in our own time, three times a week, and every time people say they'll turn up and then they don't. So we just did it by ourselves, (namely me, Ben, Annie, Alex) and have gotten our work pretty much done.

So this week is going to be a little strange. The last ever trip to B block, unless I get a wonderful referral for something. Hopefully not though. Between now and Thursday, I'm hoping Mockingjay makes an appearance in the post, as I've almost finished Catching Fire and I NEED to know what happens next. Thursday night is the creative writing social, in which we get drunk with the lecturers at uni and then possibly raid the Jonty. And Friday night is party at ours, then Mosh, which I'm really looking forward to. And then I might go home for a couple of days this weekend. I need to pick up the voucher, and take all The Hunger Games books to Mum to read. Not fully decided yet, although I'm swaying towards going.

I should also probably finish my application to Oxford Brookes. Although at the minute, I'm wondering if it's worth it. My lecturers have been reluctant to reply to my requests of referees, so it's getting disheartening. Plus, my personal statement attempt was dire and I've had no time to polish it up just yet. Tomorrow might be the day. Then there's funding, which I keep pushing to the back of my mind. And I decided not to apply for creative writing, because it'd be pointless. I chose a creative enterprises course at Leeds Met, but I'm not sure I can go through the whole application process again, it's exhausting. Why can't it just be like UCAS where there was one personal statement for them all? Ugh. But yeah, I have a back up if this all fails anyway, a cheaper course that might be a little bit better for me at the minute.

Tonight I need to fill in my pre-counselling sheet and watch The Voice. If those three ever remove themselves from the living room...

fall to pieces, i'm falling.

So this week has been a bit of a whirlwind.

On Monday, we had a workshop session at Muffin Break. Me and Ben were there so very early, as usual. So we ate chocolate cheesecake to pass the time till Annie arrived. Followed by Sam and Alex. It was fairly productive. Then, we came home and carried on working, and watched Made in Chelsea. Tuesday we had lecture 1-4, but prior to that I had my wellbeing appointment (we'll get to that) at 11. So me and boyfriend chilled in uni for an hour or so after. Wednesday we had our final short fictions lecture with Moy, then came back and worked. Boyfriend came round last night, and we watched Saw - yes I manned up and watched a horror film. With my eyes covered and shrieking for most of the gory bits, mind. Then he's hung around this morning and watched some telly.

My wellbeing appointment was weird. I felt a bit nervous going in, but I know they're not there to judge and make assumptions. I didn't get chance to cover all that I wanted to. Most of it was focusing in on the Kim situation and how that has been affecting me and my insecurities. She suggested I have counselling, and I have decided I'm going to. So I'm going up to uni in a bit to try and sort that out.

In a way, it dragged up a lot of feelings I had forgotten and Tuesday night I felt really awful. I talked to Ben about it for ages, and did some of my reading report, but I felt really numb and empty. I couldn't focus on my work, and then Kim was causing facebook drama, so I got side tracked with that. Annie was texting me and Gary was bbm-ing and then my Mum rang and Rachel and Liz were texting me. It's nice to have support, but it didn't make me feel better. I had a shower and got into bed, and on Wednesday morning I woke up crying. I'm all over the place at the moment. It happened again this morning, I just burst into tears whilst we were eating breakfast.

It's for no reason too. I don't know if it's hormones or just the old feelings coming back and hitting me at random moments. But I want it to stop. I need to figure out my way through this, and counselling is probably the only way I'm going to manage that.

The rest of this week is going to be so dull. One week today we hand everything in and that's it. University is finished. On the 3rd, we have our final ever creative writing social. Then on the 4th Aden's organised a party at ours then on to Mosh. Cannot wait. I have missed the metal floor and cheap VS's far too much.

better sorry than safe.

This next week is going to be insane.

The week before hand in is always stressful. I'm quite on top of everything so far though. I did so much today, just banging out introductions and things left, right and centre. I have been putting some of the short fictions extras off for a couple of weeks now, just because they're dull to write. It's not difficult stuff left now, it's just all the boring process analysis's and editing. But I do enjoy editing a lot, so I'm not gonna complain. Recently, We Are The In Crowd has become my working music. Last week, I was sick of having my iTunes on shuffle and getting songs that were making me cry, so I went to youtube and listened to loads of bands I don't listen to anymore. Lots of We The Kings and A Rocket to the Moon. It worked, I got a lot done. So pop-punk has become the working genre.

I literally have two process analysis's to do, a few drafts to make up and a few bits to perfect. That is it. So work isn't so much of a stress anymore. I'm taking it as it comes and trying my hardest, although I'm not so hung up on the A's and B's anymore.

Tom and I went to see Jason on Thursday for some careers advice. The careers people at uni leave a lot to the imagination, so we hoped Jason would shed some light on matters for us. And he did, for once. He did advise us to go for postgrad study, which neither of us was very keen on, but Gary being the best boyfriend ever, linked me to a website that gave loads of different degrees in subject areas we wanted. So in short, I'm applying for a couple. The short list is publishing at Anglia Ruskin and Oxford Brookes (we'll get to that in a minute) and creative writing at either Cardiff Met or Hull. I've no funding, I'm literally just seeing if I can get in. I am gonna apply for funding and scholarships this week, but it's still hit and miss whether you'll get one. But yeah, we shall see.

Oxford Brookes. Yeah. Gary got a conditional offer for his tourism course. I was reluctant to apply at first. I told him last week about what I'd found, and the fact they're the centre of the publishing industry in the country and they have their own specialist school for it. I barely got through my explanations before he'd told me to apply. It's not about him. It's not about the fact he's applied and might end up going there. It's got to be about me and my future and what I want. Jason did advise us to apply for anything and everything. So I'm doing it. I probably won't even get a conditional since it's so competitive, but we won't find out till I try.

He's been the best this past week. I've been a bit wobbly. A bit distrusting of him. I thought he was doing something behind my back - not cheating, just something else I don't agree with - but I'm having second thoughts. I don't think he was. I don't know. But he's been ever so sweet about the whole wellbeing appointment. On Saturday morning I said he didn't have to come if he didn't have time or he didn't want to, and he cut me off completely and said he wanted to come and be there for me. He keeps doing this, saying the right thing when I need it most. I do love how in sync we are with one another. But at the same time, I don't want one of us to get in to Oxford. I think it'd change things too much if we both went there. He applied first and put up a Facebook status about his offer, so I'm avoiding doing the same. Only he and Ben know I'm applying and I'd rather keep it that way.

I am worried about the wellbeing appointment. I bought Glamour magazine at the train station yesterday and there was an interview with Frankie Sandford about her depression, then there's a whole article on depression and how to spot the signs. I have a few of the symptoms. So kinda worrying myself. I've always been a tad hypochondriac, so yeah. I thought about making a list of what I want to talk about, but I think it'd be a hindrance than a help. I kinda have it mapped out in my mind. Insecurities - fear of losing Gary - Kim and Annie and that whole situation - insecurities. It's all linked up. So it isn't too difficult to remember. I am scared of what I might say, but it needs to come out and I'd rather it be to a stranger than one of the guys or girls.

I do worry that I've gone back on myself. I feel bad for my Mum. Although she's been ever so nice since I told her what's been going on with my head. She told my Grandma, and this morning she said Grandma had a nervous breakdown when my Mum was little, so she knows how I feel. It upsets and comforts me that someone so close to me knows what I'm going through. I don't claim I'm having a nervous breakdown, but it's not good at the moment. Grandma rung me this morning to say she'd got me a nice bookmark. I cried. Over a bookmark. It's mental what's happening to me right now. I cry if someone's horrible, I cry if someone's nice. People can't win with me right now.