This next week is going to be insane.
The week before hand in is always stressful. I'm quite on top of everything so far though. I did so much today, just banging out introductions and things left, right and centre. I have been putting some of the short fictions extras off for a couple of weeks now, just because they're dull to write. It's not difficult stuff left now, it's just all the boring process analysis's and editing. But I do enjoy editing a lot, so I'm not gonna complain. Recently, We Are The In Crowd has become my working music. Last week, I was sick of having my iTunes on shuffle and getting songs that were making me cry, so I went to youtube and listened to loads of bands I don't listen to anymore. Lots of We The Kings and A Rocket to the Moon. It worked, I got a lot done. So pop-punk has become the working genre.
I literally have two process analysis's to do, a few drafts to make up and a few bits to perfect. That is it. So work isn't so much of a stress anymore. I'm taking it as it comes and trying my hardest, although I'm not so hung up on the A's and B's anymore.
Tom and I went to see Jason on Thursday for some careers advice. The careers people at uni leave a lot to the imagination, so we hoped Jason would shed some light on matters for us. And he did, for once. He did advise us to go for postgrad study, which neither of us was very keen on, but Gary being the best boyfriend ever, linked me to a website that gave loads of different degrees in subject areas we wanted. So in short, I'm applying for a couple. The short list is publishing at Anglia Ruskin and Oxford Brookes (we'll get to that in a minute) and creative writing at either Cardiff Met or Hull. I've no funding, I'm literally just seeing if I can get in. I am gonna apply for funding and scholarships this week, but it's still hit and miss whether you'll get one. But yeah, we shall see.
Oxford Brookes. Yeah. Gary got a conditional offer for his tourism course. I was reluctant to apply at first. I told him last week about what I'd found, and the fact they're the centre of the publishing industry in the country and they have their own specialist school for it. I barely got through my explanations before he'd told me to apply. It's not about him. It's not about the fact he's applied and might end up going there. It's got to be about me and my future and what I want. Jason did advise us to apply for anything and everything. So I'm doing it. I probably won't even get a conditional since it's so competitive, but we won't find out till I try.
He's been the best this past week. I've been a bit wobbly. A bit distrusting of him. I thought he was doing something behind my back - not cheating, just something else I don't agree with - but I'm having second thoughts. I don't think he was. I don't know. But he's been ever so sweet about the whole wellbeing appointment. On Saturday morning I said he didn't have to come if he didn't have time or he didn't want to, and he cut me off completely and said he wanted to come and be there for me. He keeps doing this, saying the right thing when I need it most. I do love how in sync we are with one another. But at the same time, I don't want one of us to get in to Oxford. I think it'd change things too much if we both went there. He applied first and put up a Facebook status about his offer, so I'm avoiding doing the same. Only he and Ben know I'm applying and I'd rather keep it that way.
I am worried about the wellbeing appointment. I bought Glamour magazine at the train station yesterday and there was an interview with Frankie Sandford about her depression, then there's a whole article on depression and how to spot the signs. I have a few of the symptoms. So kinda worrying myself. I've always been a tad hypochondriac, so yeah. I thought about making a list of what I want to talk about, but I think it'd be a hindrance than a help. I kinda have it mapped out in my mind. Insecurities - fear of losing Gary - Kim and Annie and that whole situation - insecurities. It's all linked up. So it isn't too difficult to remember. I am scared of what I might say, but it needs to come out and I'd rather it be to a stranger than one of the guys or girls.
I do worry that I've gone back on myself. I feel bad for my Mum. Although she's been ever so nice since I told her what's been going on with my head. She told my Grandma, and this morning she said Grandma had a nervous breakdown when my Mum was little, so she knows how I feel. It upsets and comforts me that someone so close to me knows what I'm going through. I don't claim I'm having a nervous breakdown, but it's not good at the moment. Grandma rung me this morning to say she'd got me a nice bookmark. I cried. Over a bookmark. It's mental what's happening to me right now. I cry if someone's horrible, I cry if someone's nice. People can't win with me right now.
