I'm happy but I'm unhappy at the moment.
I've been so sure of myself for so long. I know I'm doing the right thing by moving back home properly for the year ahead. If I went back to halls I'd be plagued by bad thoughts. It's risky business. This past year I was lucky to live with four really decent people. Of course after Christmas all those friendships we built up broke down, I drifted away from two of them, one was kicked out and I was pushed towards the fourth because of this. I found myself crying myself to sleep more often in that second semester and having to walk around with a weight on my shoulders. I know that commuting will be a pain in the arse. I've thought of it all. I've weighed up the pros and cons. I'm sorry, Derby, but Sheffield kicks your arse in pretty much every corner. It's my mum's doubts and worries. She passes it on to me and I've found myself accessing the university website and being so close to clicking on the link to apply for halls once again. I know if I found it difficult, I could go back. God knows where they'd put me - Lonsdale or Laverstoke, I guess, but I wouldn't really care.
University has it's good aspects and it's bad one's. In the very beginning, I caught 'freshers flu' and slept for the best part of two days. I missed one lecture. The lecture where everyone seemed to establish their friendships. When I returned for the next one, everyone seemed to be grouped up. There's a few other outsiders, but they seem to cope just fine sitting by themselves and rarely striking up conversation with anyone else. I found it difficult at first. I couldn't understand why no one seemed to want to speak to me. I used to be in the big groups at college. The one's always making a rackett and laughing in the middle of mock exams. It was a shock to the system to suddenly be on the outside looking in. But I dealt with it. I took books to class and read before the lecturers started up. The beauty of having no friends made it easier for me to present my work and not care what anyone else thought, but at the same time, it made it harder on me when class douche bag, Calder, ripped my presentation to pieces in a really rude and nasty way. I've grown numb to my single honours peers. Joint honours are a different story, they're less competitive, and much more approachable people.
Since leaving I've decided that I'm no longer there to be everyone's friend. I'm nice to people when they speak to me and I allow myself to comment on other people's work if it's positive. But why bother trying to include myself if the more I push, the more everyone else pulls away? If I'm honest, there's only a handful of people in the class that I think I could be friends with. Everyone else shows their true colours when ripping into other's work and leaving that persons confidence in tatters.
Honestly, I only want to focus on getting what I need to get. I need a first or a 2.1 to even go on to do a masters. And then I can come back to Sheffield, and leave all the angst behind and have fun with my friends here. They're the one's pulling me through at the moment.
