over and over. splashed all over mtv. i listen to bands you hate to help me forget. again and again. you tainted the songs i once adored. wrecked my favourite films. dented the things that have made me up to be who i am. i wanted to fall for you. hard. i wanted butterflies in my stomach. i wanted the novel romance. the type all those authors have written about. i want our story printed on smooth pages. i want the world to know. i wanted to feel something towards you. but i don't. i can't let myself. it hurt for a while. then it stopped. numb. just cold. frozen in time. those feelings are trapped in a block of ice. it stops them from aging. stops them becoming bitter and twisted. love is scary. it all starts out so happy and slowly disintegrates. i don't want that to happen. it terrifies me. i don't want to be bitter and hateful at forty. in twenty years i still want to love someone. to adore them. the thought of ever losing them to kill me and tear me apart inside.
those songs still remind me of you. again and again. the memories are disconnected. a part of something else. trapped in that block of ice. forever. those songs, those words woven together to create something beautiful are much more than you. and always will be.
