Sometimes, just sometimes, I want to sleep for days. I want to sleep until I feel better and the world around me is right again. I haven't felt like this for so long now, I'd forgotten I'd ever felt like it. That was until last week. I haven't slept properly for two days. I sleep for a couple of hours and wake up, toss and turn then burst into tears.
I don't know who I can talk to about things. Right now, nobody seems an option. So the internet, a blank screen sounds pretty perfect.
Because, everything is out of my control now. My best friend is depressed. Another one of my close friends is too. I've gotten to a point when I don't know what to say or do with either of them anymore. Going out doesn't help, it just makes it worse. They're both competitive girls and see others successes as their failures. They don't feel good enough with themselves, and nothing that anyone can do or say will change it. It's spiralled out of my control. A cheery text and a few cocktails used to pull their moods up, but now, it only makes them worse. It's horrid to see two people I love dearly act and think in the way they are at the moment. On top of that, yesterday my grandma, the only grandparent that's still standing, got her results from the memory clinic. She has Alzheimer's. The worst part about it is she didn't expect to have that thrown at her. She hasn't been herself since my grandad died two years ago, but when you hear that word, you assume the worst. After my mum told me I've been plagued by the nightmare of one day having to face up to the fact she doesn't know who any of us are anymore. My mum keeps reassuring me that she won't just deteriorate over night, but even so, a gradual process is terrifying. I've only ever heard of the horror stories associated with Alzheimer's, so of course I'm expecting the worst and focussing on what's going to happen in the future.
On top of all of this, I had a job interview yesterday and have to start tonight. Which is probably the world's shittiest timing. I'm no where near in the right mental frame to take in new things and listen to instructions. I'm exhausted and emotionally drained. I've been walking around in a numb state today. I just feel sadness, and dread at the thought of spending three hours in the pub my grandad spent most of his life dedicated to. That's the only reason I got the job. Because my grandad's name is engraved absolutely everywhere. I'm not ready for it at all. I don't need it right now. And I know for a fact I'll blow this trial period and be back at square one. But, to be honest, square one seems like a good place to be right now.
I think this summer has really gotten to me. I've been off university since the 5th May. I don't properly go back until the 27th September. I'm doing freshers in Sheffield from the 19th. I need some normality. Five months off sounded like heaven whilst I was chained to my desk slaving over my coursework, but at the moment, it's a fucking nightmare.
