i went to university today. just for enrolment, nothing special. it seems our class dynamics are still the same as they were last year. certain people don't show up, the big cluster of calder's fanclub and me. although said fanclub leader did make a very valid point about our 'optional' modules not actually being optional. the lecturers had us enrol online and choose what we wanted to study from a selection of eight, these have since been cut down to five COMPULSORY modules. hacked me off no end, i was dying to do writer's research.
but, my point is, on the way there, i was sitting on the train listening to my ipod and as soon as we hit chesterfield my stomach got all knotty and twisty. not through fear. through anticipation. i was so hoping this year would be different. it was going to top last year in ways i'd have never thought possible months ago. but, let's be honest, it isn't. all the false promises were exactly that. all the so called friends are flake outs. i hate to sound so negative, but it's true. maybe i expected too much from this year. sitting on that train, i was still in the mindset that i was going to be studying modules i wanted to study, not through force. i'd never even thought of anyone in the class until i walked into n703 and noted that, depsite the third years clogging up one side of the room, everything was exactly the same. people had lost weight and changed their hair, but they were still the same people.
i'm facing up to the fact that i'm still an outsider looking in.
this week has been quite a busy one. i've not had much chance to really sit down and think. that was until i receieved a text from my old flatmate, kirsty. she wants to see me soon. but the distance between sheffield and derby is an obstacle. she's invited me out for her friend's birthday on monday. i can't really go unless i have somewhere to stay. last year, i had offers for places to stay handed to me on a silver platter. but now it's coming to it, nobody wants it. so i'm bound to miss out. but on the other hand if i was living there, i'd be missing out on freshers events here and abby's leaving party tomorrow night. i can't have the best of both worlds. i suppose for a second last year i thought i could with all the promising and the blah blah blah's, but now i'm having to choose.
i'm more attached to derby than i initially thought. i'm not interested in freshers, but sailing through the centre today on the bus, all the streets and places reminded me of good times i had last year. right now, with kirsty bugging me to have a night out with them and the fact i'm missing someone i shouldn't really be missing, i'm starting to think sheffield isn't the right choice. if i was in derby, i'd probably be saying the opposite. i need my friends here more than anything else in the world, but with elina gone and abby going soon, i'm scared their not being around will break us apart. everyone's going off in different directions, and although we're still close, i'm clinging onto the summer and all the good times we've had.
i want what i can't have. i always have done. i'm such a spoilt brat in that sense. i know that wherever i am, i'll always be pining for somewhere else.
i'm not sure whether this sudden doubt is because of freshers. it could be because everyone's fresh from the summer and have been thrown back together again and are all catching up and going out almost every night. it is potentially that. when things die down in a couple of weeks, maybe i'll be okay and comfortable. or maybe it'll force me to realise what i've probably known all along. i guess only time will tell.
