My emotions have been so up and down, it's getting irritating now.
I stayed with Gary on Sunday night, after we'd been to Pizza Express for his birthday and run into Jobie (he's stalking me...) and we had a really nice night, and I do like waking up with him in a morning. He had to be up early to clean the house for a viewing before his lecture. And so I stayed in bed, playing Brain Training, getting frustrated because I seem to be stuck on a C+ grade. And he had Frank Turner on, and I just burst into tears. It wasn't even a sad song. I hid under the covers and calmed down quickly, but all the way home I wanted to cry. Then I got back, and everyone was still in bed, so I went on my laptop for a while and I had an email off my best friend from school, Melissa. Who I haven't spoken to since I moved to Derby, and I just cried for about half an hour straight.
I don't know what it is. Yesterday night I went to stay at Gary's again instead of going to the quiz (not that anyone else went anyway), and I sat and read The Outsiders and started Imperial Bedrooms on his Kindle. And it was an alright night. We had a giggle after he'd finished his essay, and we ordered garlic bread and cheesy dippers from Letz Eat. Sam and Sam were being nice, so I didn't feel uneasy around them. And then, this morning I've just woken up and felt crap again. I cried saying bye to him this morning because I dreaded going to uni and seeing everyone.
Thing is, last semester when things were horrendous between me and Kim, I had a lot of nightmares and anxiety and stomach aches and stuff. And the nightmares started again on Monday night. I think it's happening again. I'm so scared of what's happening and what will happen. Walking on egg shells around her because she knows so much about me that I'd rather not have everyone else know. I know Gary's probably sick of hearing it, god, I am, and I'm living through it. So I try and hold a lot of it in when I'm around him. I don't want to ruin our time together by being bitter and upset.
I calmed down quickly and went on to lecture. Moy (ever the fabulous lecturer) greeted me in such a nice fashion, I felt every fear I'd had go away and I gave her my portfolio statement and got on with things. With Annie being gone, we've teamed up with another group of our friends. Big mistake. Kim did absolutely fuck all, and the feedback I did get from her was useless. I worked so hard on giving Zak decent feedback, and then spent the rest of the time re-writing one of my stories.
It just infuriates me. I need to get A-'s at least in everything this year, to pull up my average from what will most likely be, a terrible independent study grade (aiming for a C, but I'm not counting on it) and last year's focus 2 D- referral grade. I don't see why I should suffer in the long run because she can't be bothered to workshop my writing. But at the same time, I'm scared to say anything too drastic because of the repercussions.
I refuse to be made out to be the villain in all this.
