Dublin happened. It was okay. Had a few laughs. The bust up on Friday night wasn't brilliant. But, it wouldn't be a family holiday without at least one blazing argument. I've eaten enough burgers to last a lifetime, but I didn't drink much. Which is odd for me. But when it's 6.60 in euros for a smirn off ice, it's a bit off putting.
So, this morning and last night, I didn't really want to come back. I'm scared that now I'm back, I've got to face up to all the things I've been running away from.
Me and Kim are seeing the wellbeing people this week. Neither of us are coping very well at the moment, and she's seen them before in first year and apparently they're helpful enough. It'd just be nice to speak to someone who won't judge and who isn't going to go and tell everyone else. I think a lot more things than just woes about work will come out. I do fear they'll think there's something wrong with me, but it's a chance I'm just gonna have to take. I need to see someone professional because I'm coping horrendously at the moment.
Work is okay. My main worry is creative practice. Last year, I got an A. This year, I'll be lucky if I get a C. My inspiration levels have dropped drastically and I have no motivation. I've been using the time to do all my little bits for short fictions. I've also pretty much done my focus 3 article. Creative practice is really worrying me, and I'm pulling life writing out of my arse just for a chance at getting a decent grade. I genuinely don't know what I'm doing right now.
So I had to turn off all my phone connections, and I switched them back on at the baggage carousel in Manchester Airport earlier to a text from our landlady telling me she'd got my rent (thank god!) and a bbm from Gary. It basically read 'I need you back, I want to have long hot sex with you and fall asleep with you in my arms. Hurry back to me'. Granted, he probably was drunk. But, it's just, I've been thinking for the past couple of days and part of me has already let him go. He's been applying for jobs everywhere and he seems to have his heart set on Oxford Brookes uni at the moment. Despite the fact he can't afford a masters. I don't know. I have missed him, it's just gotten easier the longer it's been. Maybe that's the way heartbreak works.
I kind of feel a bit more positive. Had a little cry when I got home. Mainly because Gary's been ever so sweet about the whole wellbeing/therapists thing. He's offered to come along with me and be the best boyfriend ever, as per usual.
The next three weeks are going to be tough. But I think I can do it.
