Dear you,
I'm sorry. I'm really sorry for all the on/off shit I've been putting you through these past few months. Things were okay at first, and I know it's still good. It's just me right now. My pathetic insecurities have come creeping back. I'm paranoid and anxious and I can't sleep at night. I miss you when we're apart, but I can't stand it when we're together. It's conflicting, because I like you, of course I do, but little things right now are bugging me and I don't know how to deal with it.
It all started before the first test. I was in bed, trying to sleep. We were bbm-ing each other, and you kept saying it'll be okay. I was terrified. I've never been that scared before, and it was awful. Then, just as the tears started, you said you were going to bed. I wasn't done talking. I needed you that night, and instead, you just went to bed. I went to Kim's room and sat and cried on her for an hour.
After that, came the second test. I wasn't as scared. Still, pretty worried, but I knew what to expect. The nurse was nicer than the first one. She told you we seemed comfortable with one another and was shocked that we hadn't been together longer.
I needed you throughout the Annie/Kim drama. They dragged me into the middle and it was hell. It still is sometimes. You kept telling me to tell them to fuck off. It's not that simple though, is it? You never understood how severe it was, how many sleepless nights I had because of those two. You just didn't get it and you still don't.
I feel like sometimes I support you more than you support me. I've been there for you throughout your dissertation. I was there on hand in day. I spent night after night with you, telling you that you could do it. I read through it to highlight any mistakes. All 12,000 words. You were in Morocco when I was doing mine. Not your fault, but you could've helped me out when you got back. Instead, you did Annie's for her.
I cried during those ballads at You Me At Six because I wanted you there with me. The insecurities were just starting over and I needed you to hold my hand and promise you'd be there. And you weren't bbm-ing me back.
A few weeks ago, the thought of losing you made my chest ache. It felt like agony. Now, I just feel numb. I think I've accepted the fact that come July, we're through. Sometimes my insecurities win and I fear I'm just a girlfriend of convenience. Then you say you really really care about me and those fears wash away. But now, I'm scared. I'm scared that he's going to change you from my lovely boyfriend into someone like him. I need you at this presentation party. It's three hours, and I'm sure it won't kill you. I just really need you there for support. Please don't change. Please, please don't. I don't understand this and I don't know why you haven't told me yourself, but please don't become him. Please.
Despite all the issues, I like you. Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to create problems so it'll be easier to walk away when the time comes. I probably am. My internal defense mechanisms work in mysterious ways.
You comfort me, you take care of me, you buy me cheesy dippers, you go swimming with me, we have fun together, we have lots of inside jokes, you make me laugh, you make me feel good, you stay up with me when I'm upset, you let me fall asleep on you when we watch films, you let me play on your games and don't laugh cos I'm crap, you make me believe I can actually do this, you listen to me whine and talk about my nightmares, you cuddle me when I have one and comfort me after. Sometimes I feel like I really need and depend on you, that's dying out now.
I'm sorry for all the shit. I like you. Please, don't hurt me.
Love me.
