try to keep your head above water.

So many mixed emotions these past couple of weeks. Relief, anxiety, hatred, nervous, content, happy, upset, angry.

Finally got to see Young Guns last week after almost not being able to go as my sister left it really late to get tickets. Fortunately, we tracked a pair down on the Corporation website. They were incredible. It was in the smaller room at the Corp, which I've only ever been to when it's half empty, so I've been able to get on the platform to see the stage. This time was a sell out, so I had to try and perv over Gustav from behind the ridiculously placed pillars. Learn My Lesson was definitely a highlight and I'm obsessed with them all over again. Which is a good thing as me and Gary will be seeing them in roughly a month with Enter Shikari. Eep.

I feel like I've lost a friend right now. Kim's being anything but pleasant to myself and Ben over the past few months. Last week I got really upset and Gary was being a typical boy, burying his head in the sand and so I went to Kim and cried to her about everything. As far as I'm aware, she's not told anyone. But Annie said a few things last week that made me think maybe she has. But hopefully, if she has, it won't go any further than those two. That aside, it was almost like things were back to normal. Then we ended up going to our short fictions lecturer about her this past week. Kim's been 'disrespecting' our work, as Moy puts it. She tries to distract us during workshopping and laughs at unfunny pieces. My portfolio theme is loss and absence and there's a lot of death in it, and I'm scared to give her my stories. And it shouldn't be like that. So now Moy's onto her and so will the heads of third year. Next week will be a dramatic one on the uni front.

Gary's birthday night out last night. I've never felt so content. Not for a while anyway. Sitting in The Friary with (mostly) good people. It was a good laugh. Sam got drunk on a £7 bottle of wine, drinking it from a pint glass because he's a classy git. Dancing with Annie across the table. Jayde throwing herself onto Sam. And taking the piss out of everyone. Gary was happy, which was nice to see since he stresses himself out so much about everything. Mosh was okay. Got hit in the face during a mosh pit which wasn't nice and some randomer decided to feel me up whilst I was kissing Gary, so I kicked him. Jesus and Jobie were their usual hilarious selves. Nice to see the metal floor playlist hasn't changed though, Avenged Sevenfold, Killswitch Engage, System of a Down, ohhh you know what to expect on that floor.

I'm starting to feel like I'm feeling too strongly for him. I don't love him. I like him a lot. I'd do a lot for him. He makes me happy. And I always want to cry when he gets all sentimental and slushy with me. He did last night. And I nearly burst into tears. Happy ones, mind. But still. I'm so used to guys messing me around and playing mind games. He's so honest and open with me. I trust him with so much. But I had a massive wall up around me this time last year and now I don't. I'm so vulnerable with him, and he knows it and sometimes I'm scared of what he'll do what that knowledge. I have to keep reminding myself that we've been involved with each other for almost six months, and for almost four of that we've been 'officially' boyfriend and girlfriend. If he was going to suddenly become a wanker, he'd have done that already.

It's been four years today since my grandad died. I only remembered at 8AM. I was awake whilst Gary slept through his drunkenness. I just laid in bed and cried. I don't know how I felt about it. Because eventually I went back to sleep and woke up feeling fine. Too many emotions running through me at the moment. I keep going from one extreme to the next. But I hide it well.

So this week I have Gary's actual birthday tomorrow (22, so old) and we're going to Pizza Express tomorrow night because last time we went on a date there last month, it was really cute and we had such a nice night. Then I have zero lectures. Only Tuesday, we have some talk in creative practice. Then we've arranged to do some workshopping on Wednesday. And going home Friday for Theory of a Deadman in Manchester, I'm so looking forward to seeing them again. And hoping they play Hurricane this time, since their set will be longer than half an hour. So yeah. Mixed times ahead too.

constellations.

This week has been a bit of a weird one. I went home last Friday and came back to Derby on Wednesday. I have done a hell of a lot of uni work this past week. I stopped having emotional breakdowns towards the end of last week, so I've been feeling a lot better than I was before.

I spent the day with my boyfriend on Wednesday and then again yesterday. We did a lot of going round town, buying things we don't need and went to get piercings done/sorted out. I manned up and got my snug done yesterday and it was ridiculously painful. So yeah, me being me things can't stay nice and lovely for very long.

Two of three housemates moved back yesterday and because I was neither here nor there yesterday, I barely saw them. Me and the boyfriend came back and made an effort with Kim, tried talking to her and it was very strained and awkward. So I had a shower and we went back to his house at about five. This morning I came back and neither housemates have spoken to me all day. They've just ignored me. Which is really nice of them. I don't know what is happening, but it seems that nothing has changed since last semester. Apart from the fact that I am not going to let it get to me. I can't get poorly like I did last year through stressing about everything and crying because I don't know what I've done wrong. Ben's back on Sunday, and I'm staying at boyfriend's tomorrow night. So I've just got to throw myself into doing some work tomorrow day time.

I can't wait to go back to uni now. I want time to go slow, because I don't want to leave and if time isn't against me, it means I can take my time with my work. But I want to go back and have a purpose to being here again. Plus, everyone will be back and socialising again and we can do the quiz at the pub on Tuesday night. And we're going to Frankie and Benny's for Annie's 21st next Friday, which I'm really looking forward to.

Things aren't going to change. But I'm sick of making myself unhappy just so others feel better. So fuck the rest.

easy for you to say, your heart has never been broken.

I don't really know where to begin. It's been a weird 24 hours.

I got back to Derby yesterday and I was really excited to be back. My boyfriend did his two exams for the semester yesterday, and I went over to his last night. I went back to Sheffield last week, so I wouldn't be distracting him from revision. I'm bored and hate being by myself in our igloo house, so I've been spending a lot of time at his. When I'm actually here anyway.

The later it gets, the deeper our conversations get. I was saying how I don't want uni to ever end. We've gone on about it a few times in the past, but it feels more real now we're in 2012, as it's our graduating year. It's terrifying. So, I got extremely upset after my boyfriend said he would finish things with me if we have to live too far away from one another. He didn't realise I'd be willing to go wherever he needs to. He knows what he wants to do, and I don't. I'm taking time to think it through. And it made me feel really shitty. I've always been everyone's last resort and everyone's second option and I just broke down and cried for an hour. He felt really bad and apologised profusely. I agree with him though. I don't think I could cope being in a long distance relationship. I barely got through two weeks away from him at Christmas. I just, it's been building up for a long time. I've always been the second option with all my friends and it just pushed me over the edge. Someone I've put so much into saying that. Granted, his point was valid, and I agreed with it, he just worded it very, very badly.

It's soppy and pathetic and I hate him a bit for it. We've had a rough 24 hours, a lot has happened between us and he's really been there for me when he didn't have to be. I don't love him. Yet. I like him a lot. He makes me ridiculously happy and the thought of him not being there anymore is really painful. I'm crying now just thinking about it.

I've come to be really reliant on him, and I hate myself for it. Last summer I had walls sky high around myself. No one could get in. Then I met Gary. And I trusted him quickly, and it's hard for me to do that. I tell him a lot of things that I wouldn't tell anyone else. I find it hard to open up to people, and I feel really weak being dependent on others. I grew such a thick skin and now I'm back to being vulnerable again. I'm just scared. I've trusted him with so much and I can't imagine him not being there. I don't want to seem pathetic. I didn't ever think it'd be forever, I'm not sure I even believe in forever, but I just felt I was on to something good. I am. I adore him. I'm just feeling a bit, let down. It feels like our relationship is a time bomb now. We're just waiting for it to explode and end.

2011.

In true internet blog fashion, I'm gonna do a big round up of my year. Bit early to be jumping on this bandwagon, I know, but I'm working 10-5 tomorrow then I have to pack up all my stuff and sleep because I'm going back to Derby on Saturday, eep. But anyway, on with this.

2011 has been a decent year. Actually, it's been a very good year. Nothing too traumatic happened. Obviously, I've still been massively negative and felt like the world was crumbling around me on more than one occassion, but it wasn't situations I couldn't ignore and/or work through. I'm here on the 29th December, two more days of the year to go, and I survived every drama that was thrown my way.

So this year I -

• Signed a housing contract, and am currently living in said igloo like house.
• Passed 4/5 modules of second year creative writing.
• Then went on to pass my referral.
• Went on holiday to Bulgaria with Beau and Rachel. Spent 5 of 6 nights completely blind drunk and kissed boys from all corners of Europe, and danced on a lot of bars.
• Turned 20 and had the world's worst birthday.
• Moved back to Derby.
• Fell for one boy. Then found out the hard way that he wasn't worth it.
• Finally fell for a nice boy. And he's currently my amazing boyfriend. (:
• Went to Carnage and found out most student events are vastly overrated.
• Made fantastic new friends at university.
• & managed to keep the old ones.
• Had my first stand up comedy show. Courtesy of Alan Carr.
• Went to a few gigs. Not as many as in past years, but still enough. I finally got to see Alter Bridge after waiting forever to do so. I also saw The Crave again, and Papa Roach and Example and loved them all.

This year I think I've drank more than any other years. We discovered new drinking holes and spent nights and money on pound VS's, requesting the same songs. I had my first ever academic failure in the form of Focus 2. I cried about in Bulgaria then skipped off out and got the drunkest I have ever been. I managed to pass my referral in September, so all's not lost on this degree. It's been mental on the friendship front. I've been naive, not gonna lie. I went for months not knowing which friends I wanted to keep and which ones I wanted to throw away, and to this day, I'm still unsure about the ones at home. At university, I'm surrounded by absolute stars, and I love them all dearly. Then there's Gary. That boy makes me feel like no one ever has before him and I quite like him a lot.

I started 2011 lying on Abby's living room floor, leopard print knickers on full show, complaining about how I was going to be 20 this year. I've done a lot of growing up and feel like I've taken a tiny step into the real grown up world. I can't spend money on clothes like I used to, I have more important things to spend it on. I've found that just spending time with people that make you happy is better than spending money on things I won't use/wear. I'm starting to be selfish and it's a good thing. It's stopped me over thinking. I don't claim to have had a miraculous change over the past year, but I've grown up. I'm still the same, silly, giggly 19 year old at heart.

So to say goodbye to 2011, one of the best years in a while, I plan to get obscenely drunk at my Derby house on Saturday night and call Gary after midnight to let him know how drunk his girl is. (: After that, I think I'll carry on as I am now, stressing about passing my degree and secretly hoping we'll win the pub quiz on a Tuesday night.

take me down like i'm a domino.

I miss university.

I felt so fed up yesterday. I don't know if it's just because it's that lull between Christmas and new year or whether everything has just hit me all at once. I was supposed to go out with my parents and sister last night, but I opted to stay at home and watch the Made in Chelsea Christmas Special. I don't know why. I can't quite put my finger on this feeling. Truth be told, the novelty of being at home wore off about a week ago and the lack of hours at work hasn't helped. I've been getting so bored and feeling so lonely and welcomed any distractions. Only, there hasn't been that many distractions.

I go back on Saturday. Boyfriend's back on Monday. Thank god. I have been missing him, but I think it hit me a whole lot more last night, and today. I've just been feeling like crap. And the fact that friendships I thought were mended a week ago, clearly aren't. Nothing's changed on that front and it just makes me want to go back to Derby even more. I hate being at home. My parents are constantly arguing at the moment and I feel like there's not a great deal anchoring me to Sheffield. I used to love coming home in first year, but now, I'm staying away for as long as possible this semester.

I can't wait for this weekend. We're having a new years party at our house and a few people are staying over, my sister being one of them. Then new years day I plan to sit on the sofa and watch The Big Bang Theory series three, then horrify my housemate with Horrible Bosses and The Inbetweeners Movie. He gets all overly embarassed when people talk about sex in great detail, so that will probably drive him to his beloved Xbox and Skyrim and hopefully leave me alone for the day. Then on Monday, the boyfriend is back and I'm pretty much moving into his house until further notice. It's slightly pathetic. We've only been together for nearly two months, but we've been 'involved' with each other for about four, and I miss him like mad. He keeps me sane though and I'm always happy and content when I'm with him. Far from what I've been feeling recently, so it'll be nice to get back to that.

But for now, I've got to tackle the exciting subject of censorship and violence for my essay.

will you even look back when you think of me?

Yet another month goes by and things have done a massive u-turn.

Beau's quickly become my best friend. We stuck together like glue in Bulgaria, a week which wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. If I'm honest, it was definitely one of the better holidays I've had. I can't listen to the Party Rock Anthem now without dying to be back in Amigos doing the shuffle on the bar, or dancing around Amora, stealing drinks off the bar troopers. Those seven days pushed me and Beau together, we've so many secrets and inside jokes and memories, but at the same time it put a massive distance between me and Rachel. I can't think of her without anger building up inside me. She's done me more wrong than I was willing to admit, but this last thing was the tip of the iceberg.

So, we had that much fun in Bulgaria that we were planning to go back. Beau fell for a bar trooper and I fully supported it. Instead, she got herself a job over there. Promotions for Amora. I'm happy for her. At the same time, I'm jealous - I wanted to go back and work as well, but for reasons that I'll get to in a minute, I can't this summer. I'm glad she's got this amazing opportunity and I'm excited for her to leave, but the selfish bitch in me wants her to stay. I need her with me to get me through all the bullshit. I need her to still live in the same country so I can call her whenever and go out for a few drinks. She's not going to be here for my 20th, and I was already dreading it enough. I'm just not sure I can get through this summer without her.

I failed focus 2. A, B+, B, C+, FAIL. I cried down the phone to mum and dad. The former had a go, the latter promised me an Alter Bridge ticket. Then Beau and Rachel took me to the Castle for a pizza and Amora. I've not been that drunk and happy for a long time.

I think I fucked everything up with the boy. I made out with a bar trooper and there was photographic evidence. It was never meant to make facebook, but one betrayal made sure it did. I think he's seen it. He stopped replying to my texts and boasts about the girls he's been out with. It hurts, I'm not going to lie, it fucking hurts. But I'm not doing anything about it. I'm not making the effort anymore. We'll see what goes down on 1st September, but till then, I'm done.

In the past month, I've learned a lot.

My best friend isn't that anymore. She's a jealous bitch who I plan to keep around till my birthday and after that I'm severing all ties. Beau's good in a crisis. My mother knows me better than I thought she did. Live music is the cure to all heartache. If I'm making out with a boy that's not him, make sure the jealous bitch doesn't have a camera to hand. Dancing on bars is extremely fun. As are foam parties. Being spontaneous and stupid is something you can get away with till you're at least 25. I want to work in Sunny Beach next summer, and Beau's my ticket there.

keep your hopes high, and your head down low.

It's been a while. Five months to be exact.

So much has happened. I've gone from feeling positive about this year to wanting it to zoom before my eyes. My friends have gone to shit. I'm going on holiday in two weeks with Beau and Rachel. I keep crying about it, I'm dreading it so. But I'm buying a ton of books to take with me, so I'll have something to do if I'm alone for too long. Once I get this week out of the way, I'll be fine.

We got a house for September. It's beautiful. It's big as well. Maybe too big for the four of us, but no doubt we'll have Zak staying over every other weekend. Last year I said it was a shocker I was getting closer to my course mates. Well, prepare to be shocked, since we're all good friends now. We had our last night out on Monday for this year, and I came home Tuesday and sobbed my heart out. It's weird. I've thrown myself at them and they're already better than my friends at home. Last Friday we got some news that shook us all up, and everyone was there for one another. I know if anything terrible ever happens to me, they'd come running at the drop of a hat. They make me do silly things during ring of fire and laugh at my drunken ramblings, but I adore the lot of them.

There's a boy. He's nice to me. That's enough to have me fall. We have make out sessions at daft o clock in the morning. If I try to move away from him when he's asleep, he pulls me back. He doesn't appreciate Dave Grohl like I do, but he knows the dance to Rollin', so he redeems himself slightly. Rachel keeps putting doubts in my head. There's a distance between us this summer. It's ridiculous. But we have plans for September, lots of plans. I move in on the 1st. He'll already be there. Rachel thinks he'll find someone else. Or go off me entirely. Liz reckons she's jealous, but she's making me doubt everything. I don't know. I guess we'll see.

I've been down all week. I want it to be September 1st now. All that is set in stone for the summer is Bulgaria on 10th June, Papa Roach on 17th July, the big 2-0 on the 24th July and a night out on the 23rd. After that, it's a massive void of doing little hours at work and planning my independent study - which I've just managed to get started. I want to see as little of Rachel, Beau and Liz as possible. They're no good for me at the moment, and I don't think my mental health can handle much more of their mind games and messing around.

So much time and not enough to do.