Sitting here in my room, whilst the sun pours through my window with Alter Bridge's Live in Amsterdam streaming on youtube. Good times.
I've managed to do some work since handing in my independent study over a week ago. I've written the title for my focus 3 article, but I'm becoming increasingly frustrated with google, as it won't let me search for things. I need a Wall Street Journal and some Guardian articles, but it's being a twat, so I might write from memory till I go home next week and refine it then.
It's been a bit of a whirlwind. Gary got back at midnight on the 17th/18th. Stayed up for two hours talking to him via bbm, whilst he was on his way back from Manchester Airport. The 18th, I got really pissed off and then he and Annie turned up a couple of hours before me and Kim were due to leave for Nottingham. You Me At Six were okay. Bit boring. And they've completely abandoned Take Off Your Colours. I hate it when bands forget what they used to be. I think the only old songs they did were Call That A Comeback and Finders Keepers. And they did loads of ballads at once, so in my over emotional state, I stood there sobbing. Kids In Glass Houses were incredible though, they came on and did Sunshine straight away. My heart melted a little. I love that song.
When we returned to Derby on the 19th, I went to see Gary. Talked a lot. Came home and finished my independent study printing and ordering. Got that bound on the 20th. That night me and Gary went to Wolverhampton to see Enter Shikari. That was an adventure, to put it mildly. We got to Wolverhampton just fine (changeover at Birmingham New Street) and got to the Civic before Tek One had even thought about gracing the stage. It was possibly one of the more violent gigs I've ever attended, and I wasn't even in the pits. Young Guns were amazing. Shikari were okay. Not much of a fan, and getting smacked in the face and chest and drinking too much aren't good combinations. Then missing the train we were supposed to be on didn't help when I had a drunken panic attack in the middle of Wolverhampton. We managed to get to Birmingham, but no trains or coaches to Derby resulted in us calling Alex, and bless him, he picked us up from the Bullring. But even so, it took us forever to get home as we got lost. Didn't get back to Gary's till about half 2 in the morning.
After all that, had a few chill days. Me and Ben went on a few lengthy walks, and my dearest housemate went back home on Sunday. I really have been missing him. We talk a lot and we're in the same boat in this house and we have the same sense of humour, so to not have that person you have all those things in common with, well, it's like chopping a limb off. I've spent a lot of time with Gary since he returned, mainly at night and stuff, my stressing nightmares haven't helped anything at all. We went swimming on Monday and I went to meet Annie, Kim and Aden after and I almost cried on Annie in the middle of Westfield.
I'm stressing about work. I feel like I can't write anything original anymore. Over the past two years I have prided myself on my originality. I don't think I'm brilliant or anything like that. But originality is key, I find, when writing. And if you don't have that in this day and age, there's not much point. I just keep regurgitating the same old shit, and it's boring and frustrating. But I have nothing else.
I'm happy. I really am. I think I'm just removing myself from Gary slightly. Setting myself up for heartbreak come July. I've seen enough films and stuff to know it's not going to be pretty. I've come to depend upon him for my happiness, and I've never done that. I don't do that. I'm starting to stop depending on him so much because not only is it unfair on him, it's unfair on me. When all this ends, I want to build up my own happiness again, and I can't do that if I'm depending upon him for it. Me and Kim watched Sex and the City last night and there's the bit when Samantha gets annoyed at Smith because she never waited around for a man before him. And I feel like that. I've never done the things I do before I met Gary. And it's not always a bad thing, but the dependence is. I suppose it's another one of my stupid internal defence mechanisms, build up the walls he knocked down and stop letting him in. It's putting a strain on us, I can feel it. But I don't know what else to do.
