This week has been a bit of a weird one. I went home last Friday and came back to Derby on Wednesday. I have done a hell of a lot of uni work this past week. I stopped having emotional breakdowns towards the end of last week, so I've been feeling a lot better than I was before.
I spent the day with my boyfriend on Wednesday and then again yesterday. We did a lot of going round town, buying things we don't need and went to get piercings done/sorted out. I manned up and got my snug done yesterday and it was ridiculously painful. So yeah, me being me things can't stay nice and lovely for very long.
Two of three housemates moved back yesterday and because I was neither here nor there yesterday, I barely saw them. Me and the boyfriend came back and made an effort with Kim, tried talking to her and it was very strained and awkward. So I had a shower and we went back to his house at about five. This morning I came back and neither housemates have spoken to me all day. They've just ignored me. Which is really nice of them. I don't know what is happening, but it seems that nothing has changed since last semester. Apart from the fact that I am not going to let it get to me. I can't get poorly like I did last year through stressing about everything and crying because I don't know what I've done wrong. Ben's back on Sunday, and I'm staying at boyfriend's tomorrow night. So I've just got to throw myself into doing some work tomorrow day time.
I can't wait to go back to uni now. I want time to go slow, because I don't want to leave and if time isn't against me, it means I can take my time with my work. But I want to go back and have a purpose to being here again. Plus, everyone will be back and socialising again and we can do the quiz at the pub on Tuesday night. And we're going to Frankie and Benny's for Annie's 21st next Friday, which I'm really looking forward to.
Things aren't going to change. But I'm sick of making myself unhappy just so others feel better. So fuck the rest.
Friday 20 January 2012
Tuesday 10 January 2012
easy for you to say, your heart has never been broken.
I don't really know where to begin. It's been a weird 24 hours.
I got back to Derby yesterday and I was really excited to be back. My boyfriend did his two exams for the semester yesterday, and I went over to his last night. I went back to Sheffield last week, so I wouldn't be distracting him from revision. I'm bored and hate being by myself in our igloo house, so I've been spending a lot of time at his. When I'm actually here anyway.
The later it gets, the deeper our conversations get. I was saying how I don't want uni to ever end. We've gone on about it a few times in the past, but it feels more real now we're in 2012, as it's our graduating year. It's terrifying. So, I got extremely upset after my boyfriend said he would finish things with me if we have to live too far away from one another. He didn't realise I'd be willing to go wherever he needs to. He knows what he wants to do, and I don't. I'm taking time to think it through. And it made me feel really shitty. I've always been everyone's last resort and everyone's second option and I just broke down and cried for an hour. He felt really bad and apologised profusely. I agree with him though. I don't think I could cope being in a long distance relationship. I barely got through two weeks away from him at Christmas. I just, it's been building up for a long time. I've always been the second option with all my friends and it just pushed me over the edge. Someone I've put so much into saying that. Granted, his point was valid, and I agreed with it, he just worded it very, very badly.
It's soppy and pathetic and I hate him a bit for it. We've had a rough 24 hours, a lot has happened between us and he's really been there for me when he didn't have to be. I don't love him. Yet. I like him a lot. He makes me ridiculously happy and the thought of him not being there anymore is really painful. I'm crying now just thinking about it.
I've come to be really reliant on him, and I hate myself for it. Last summer I had walls sky high around myself. No one could get in. Then I met Gary. And I trusted him quickly, and it's hard for me to do that. I tell him a lot of things that I wouldn't tell anyone else. I find it hard to open up to people, and I feel really weak being dependent on others. I grew such a thick skin and now I'm back to being vulnerable again. I'm just scared. I've trusted him with so much and I can't imagine him not being there. I don't want to seem pathetic. I didn't ever think it'd be forever, I'm not sure I even believe in forever, but I just felt I was on to something good. I am. I adore him. I'm just feeling a bit, let down. It feels like our relationship is a time bomb now. We're just waiting for it to explode and end.
I got back to Derby yesterday and I was really excited to be back. My boyfriend did his two exams for the semester yesterday, and I went over to his last night. I went back to Sheffield last week, so I wouldn't be distracting him from revision. I'm bored and hate being by myself in our igloo house, so I've been spending a lot of time at his. When I'm actually here anyway.
The later it gets, the deeper our conversations get. I was saying how I don't want uni to ever end. We've gone on about it a few times in the past, but it feels more real now we're in 2012, as it's our graduating year. It's terrifying. So, I got extremely upset after my boyfriend said he would finish things with me if we have to live too far away from one another. He didn't realise I'd be willing to go wherever he needs to. He knows what he wants to do, and I don't. I'm taking time to think it through. And it made me feel really shitty. I've always been everyone's last resort and everyone's second option and I just broke down and cried for an hour. He felt really bad and apologised profusely. I agree with him though. I don't think I could cope being in a long distance relationship. I barely got through two weeks away from him at Christmas. I just, it's been building up for a long time. I've always been the second option with all my friends and it just pushed me over the edge. Someone I've put so much into saying that. Granted, his point was valid, and I agreed with it, he just worded it very, very badly.
It's soppy and pathetic and I hate him a bit for it. We've had a rough 24 hours, a lot has happened between us and he's really been there for me when he didn't have to be. I don't love him. Yet. I like him a lot. He makes me ridiculously happy and the thought of him not being there anymore is really painful. I'm crying now just thinking about it.
I've come to be really reliant on him, and I hate myself for it. Last summer I had walls sky high around myself. No one could get in. Then I met Gary. And I trusted him quickly, and it's hard for me to do that. I tell him a lot of things that I wouldn't tell anyone else. I find it hard to open up to people, and I feel really weak being dependent on others. I grew such a thick skin and now I'm back to being vulnerable again. I'm just scared. I've trusted him with so much and I can't imagine him not being there. I don't want to seem pathetic. I didn't ever think it'd be forever, I'm not sure I even believe in forever, but I just felt I was on to something good. I am. I adore him. I'm just feeling a bit, let down. It feels like our relationship is a time bomb now. We're just waiting for it to explode and end.
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