i'll see you on the flipside. - university reflection.

Back in 2009, I started Derby University sobbing my heart out. Mum and dad dropped me off at Nunnery Court, helped me settle in slightly and left me to it. I have never been so scared of anything in my entire life. I was living by myself. I'd have to cook and clean and be independent. It was a terrifying thought. At the time, I'd only been 18 for a couple of months, and I still felt like a baby. I feared my flatmates wouldn't like me, or I wouldn't like them and living there would be unbearable. I've never been so wrong about anything. Our little flat was perfect for that first semester. We went out all the time, we watched films together, just hung around in each others rooms. It was a blast, and I made some good friends for that first year. The one bad thing that will probably always haunt me about first year was that I never really clicked with anyone in my class. I thought they were all into anime and I didn't think I could level with any of them at all. So, I distanced myself. I had a couple of friends. Kat and Tom. (The former has remained my friend ever since we met) and I thought it'd be the same in second year.

First year was a blur. I think it was that year that gave me the confidence to continue. I remember the first ever spoken word lecture we had and Raymond had us go round and introduce ourselves, and say what things we liked to write. A lot of students said they'd written several novels already (none published) and I felt a bit daunted by it all. I had literally pulled the subject of creative writing out of my arse. I wrote bits and bobs in secret, and I was riding on that coat tail. There wasn't really any other reason for my being there. I'd never thought about writing novels or getting published. I just knew I had a raw talent that needed some work. And so, I was just the girl from Sheffield who sat near the loners and stragglers and always had to work with them.

In second year things were a bit different. I lived at home due to a housing situation falling through. So I feel that I missed out on a lot of things. I remained good friends with Tom and got into a group of joint honours/creative writers and the four of us stuck together most of the time. I loved hanging around with those three boys. I felt that because of them, my second year work flourished and my confidence in my work grew. Then I'll never forget that bus journey to uni when Aden sat next to me. He was part of what I called 'the anime group' in our class. He gave me his number and added me on Facebook and said I'd have to go out with them some time.

After that, I ended up signing a housing contract with Aden, Ben and Kim for third year, and I was invited to join this massive group of friends. It was weird, and it was strange, but I enjoyed it. After hand in, I went to stay at their house for a few nights and we went out to Mosh and Blue Note and I was introduced to this whole other world I'd missed out on. Then there was Michael, who I had a bit of a thing with at the time.

Then came third year. I moved into Crompton Street on the 1st September, and it's been an absolute shit storm ever since. Not always in a bad way, of course. I remember mum and dad leaving and I just sat in my computer chair, wondering how it was all going to turn out. I wasn't very close with anyone, and I wondered if Michael was going to keep to his promises of waiting for me over summer. (He didn't of course.) Those first few weeks were so surreal. I cried over Michael, started things with Gary, we went to Alton Towers, had meals, nights in Blue Note and Mosh, and it was mental. Things had to die down eventually. We slipped into a routine of lecturers, and going out on Friday's, and having people's birthday's. The very stressful Halloween party, a lovely night at the park for the fireworks, countless quizzes, and the night we actually won it, ethical request form dramas, people splitting up, people getting together. So much happened in that first semester. I found out things I really didn't want to know.

And so we came to 2012. Our graduating year. Makes it all seem so final. But, still. I've gotten through a total of thirteen modules (none of which I chose to do myself), one referral, several friends, one flat, one house, one boyfriend, a lot of frustrations, and drunken kisses, king's game dares, bad times and good.

I am disappointed in myself overall. I do wish I could've gotten better grades and a better degree. Gary has constantly reassured me and told me there's nothing more I could have done. The lecturers did mislead us, and I do feel somewhat betrayed, but there's not a great deal I can do about it right now. I've ended up with a 2:2. But it's not the end of the world. I can still do an MA. I can still do all the things I want to do in life. I just need to work on building my confidence back up.

This past year has taught me a lot. I've learned a lot about relationships. I enjoyed being with Gary, and I'm glad we can continue as friends. We had a really good run. Nine whole months without one argument, go us. It was upsetting saying bye, and it did break my heart. It was awful being there without him, but it's been better since I moved back home. I've also learned a lot about friendships. That the most unlikely friends are there at the right times. I've been so grateful to have Ben and Tom around this year. Kim and her ways taught me a lot. I learned not to trust people again. Despite all the shit she put us through, I wouldn't have changed it. She made me and Ben closer and has given us plenty of material to work with. As well as her there was Annie and Rachel, who I've always been thankful for. Creative practice felt like an escape, where I could spend time with those two and we could talk about all the things we wanted to. And there's been Darren, Alex, Emma, Aden, Jayde and everyone else.

It has been the most mental, yet brilliant three years, and despite all the drama and disappointment, I would never ever take back the experiences I've had or the friends I've got for the world.

you hold my heart, so don't let go.

Strange week.

The formal social on Friday was bound to be a bittersweet affair. Alex left to move back to Bournemouth on Saturday, so Friday was his last night and the last time we're going to see him until graduation. During the bit at university, I stuck with Gary, Annie, Haydn, Rachel and Liam. So it was us three girls and our boyfriends. Some of whom aren't as nice as others. Looking at you, Liam. It was a really nice evening. Moy made a little speech and teared up. Ben read out a flash fiction and Alex explained the concept behind his box which he handed in. It was lovely meeting his parents. And drinking as much free wine as Adrian and Moy would pour for us. Then we went to the Jonty. Had a giggle with Jesus and Ben. Told Tom everything and tried not to cry when Alex said goodbye. Drunk Moy was hilarious how she was horrified by Gary's stretcher in his ear. It was a fitting end, and it was all really nice. We ended up back at our house with fifteen cheesy dippers and lots to talk about.

Alton Towers was disastrous for about half an hour. Everyone dropped out an hour before we were due to meet. So we pulled some strings, figured it out, made a plan and it ended up that Kim went with her parents and me, Ben and Tom went together. And it was fucking brilliant. It honestly couldn't have been a better day. I love those two and the conversations we have. There was no tension, because as Tom put it 'it's nice, because, you know, we all like each other'. Lots of inside jokes, especially Tom's first ride on Hex. And Squirrel Nutty being the highlight of the day. We managed to get on Oblivion, Thirteen, Nemesis, Nemesis Sub Terra, Duel and Hex, and we went round the aquarium. Queues weren't too horrific, I think the longest we waited was for Sub Terra, and sorely regretted it as it wasn't brilliant. The photo's were hilarious. It was such a good day, and in the end, it turned out for the best that it was just us three.

Since then, I've not really done much. Spent time with people. Annie and Rachel came round on Monday to watch girly films and eat our body weight in cheese puffs, popcorn and chocolate. I had counselling on Tuesday morning, and Rik was really nice. Unfortunately, so I could be seen quicker, I'm not able to see him for the next three weeks, so I have a woman called Billie. Although she'll have all the details, so I'm hoping it'll help. Yesterday I spent the day with Annie after having my eyeforpharma interview. I aced it, and was sent a writing assessment so they can get the style of my writing and see if it's suitable for the site. Hopefully it will be since it's £30 per published article and I'll be doing two per week. So yeah, me and Annie bought make up and had a lengthy chat about everything. Then last night Aden invited Tom and Emma round to watch films and drink. Kim made everything so awkward. Fortunately, she's gone to Alton Towers again with her other friends, and by the time she gets back I'll be getting fat in TGI Friday's with Gary.

I'm feeling a bit more positive. Of course there is some underlying sadness. The other day I went to Gary's and set Spyro up on his computer, and noticed a little date written on his whiteboard with nothing next to it. I could only assume it was the date of his departure. Ended up in tears once again, because in all honesty, I didn't want to know. Fortunately, he's gained an extra week, due to the original date making him leave before results day. But it's still painful to think about. I'm trying to disconnect myself from him slightly, but it's not working. I doubt it ever will.

This next week is a busy one. Tonight is TGI's date with Gary to celebrate his university ending today after his climate exam. My sister also did her first exam today in sociology and apparently it went well. Very pleased for them both! This weekend I'll probably spend it at Gary's. Monday night is Jesus's birthday shin dig, Monday Mosh, should be good. Tuesday is the quiz at the Jonty, because we're missing it, and we want to do it whilst people are still around. Wednesday Aden has organised a murder mystery dinner. He's cooking, eek! And it's Egyptian themed. It should be a good laugh. Then who knows beyond that. Hopefully spend some time with other people too. A few of them are heading down to London for Expo next Friday for the weekend and after that I'm home for a few days for Mum's birthday and Rhod Gilbert. Lots of stuff coming up!

better days are far behind me.

I feel like a lot has happened.

I went home and finished Mockingjay. Have to say, I'm very disappointed with the ending. The whole book wasn't as good as the previous two. But that's generally the way it goes in a series. There's always a weak link. Part of the reason why I try and avoid series style stories.

Gary and I had the long awaited talk. The one which determines what the hell we were going to do once this year is over. And long story short, we decided to break up. I kind of knew this would be the case. Way back in January, we had a similar conversation and he said long distance wasn't an option for him. It'd hurt and it wouldn't be fair to either of us. We're so used to only going a couple of days without seeing each other, and months and months would be too painful. Over the past few months I have thought he'd changed his mind. I kind of hoped he would. Back in January he was so blunt about it, and it really hurt me. I thought I wasn't enough for him to want to go through with it. I realise now, that isn't the case. I'm more than enough for him, he just doesn't want to go through that pain again and I can't blame him for looking out for himself. I've been doing the same since we had the dreaded talk.

I cried really hard. I haven't cried that much for a month or so now. It was horrible. And afterwards I felt numb and empty. He stayed at our house that night and dragged me round to Godfather's to buy pizza and cheesy dippers. Then we watched Saw 3. Things felt really different and horrible and it wasn't right. Then we spent all day yesterday together and we went to his house. I started playing on Spyro and got really frustrated when I couldn't do something. In the end, I burst into tears and we talked more. He cried. It's the first time I've seen him show any kind of emotion about this whole situation, and it sounds awful, but I felt better for it. It was agony to see him cry, but at the same time, I'm glad he's shown some sort of emotion. I trust that he was upset, but it really all came out last night. It was horrible. The whole situation is awful. I keep going over in my mind, that Adele quote when she says she had to accept the fact she'd met the love of her life at the wrong time. I think this is similar. Maybe not quite love, but I like this boy, more than anyone before him and possibly more than anyone after him. It feels so unfair that I have this wonderful person, who I want and need and he's slipping away.

The worst part, according to him, is the fact that we don't hate each other. There's no bitterness. Neither of us want to break up, but the alternative isn't plain sailing. He gave me a glimmer of hope for a few months time, but I don't want to set my heart on it. I know how fickle people can be. I get that it'll take some time to get over, it's just not nice not knowing how long. I don't want to feel like this for days never mind months or years. He said last night it'll take him a damn sight longer than the summer to get over me. I think I'm the same. I'll just go numb, stop listening to the music we listen to because it hurts too much.

But, we're still going to be friends. We agree the most painful thing when we're apart is an inability to talk to one another. So, yeah. I think it's possible. We won't see each other, it'll literally just be bbm's. It's going to be the hardest thing walking away from this boy and this wonderful relationship we have, but it's the only option.

In other more happier news. I found my MA. Music management at the University of Sheffield. Applying this weekend, and then need to find funding. But yes, that's what I want to do. I want to work in the music industry, not as an artist as I don't have the talent for it, but in that sector. I hope to god I get on, because any more rejections won't be good for my mental health right now. But over the summer I'm also going to do a year's publishing and editing course, which you do from home. So I will also have that to keep my occupied.

This week I feel like I've learned a lot. The walls have gone back up. I had a second helix piercing. We have our final farewell at university tonight, then cokes in the Jonty and a good portion of cheesy dippers from Letz Eat, then tomorrow is Alton Towers. There's lots to look forward to, but at the same time I can't squash the feelings of dread building up.

Counsellor Rik will have a tough job on his hands next Tuesday.

and it always ends the same.

So my university portfolios are currently sitting on my bedroom floor, printed, formatted, paginated, sorted into their folders with title sheets and contents tables. Handing in tomorrow. The day before official hand in. Terrifying.

It feels really weird now. Everyone keeps saying it's over, but really, it isn't. Most of us are sticking around till the end of June/beginning of July. So we've got another two months to go. But yeah, university's over, lectures are, but it feels more like the start of something new. I am scared, of course. All my life I've gone from education establishment to education establishment and I've always known where I'd end up. Now, I have no idea. Tonight I'm sending off my application to Oxford Brookes. I have no funding, but we'll see what happens. I'm also applying for an editoral internship, where you work from home. It's for a beauty and fashion website. Hopefully I'll get it. I want something to occupy my time.

Last night was horrid. I was in the middle of printing and I started panicking. My hands and legs were shaking, I didn't know what was happening. I felt like crying as well. So Ben, being the wonderful friend that he is, suggested going for a long walk. And my, did we walk. We went all the way up the main road, and turned off up a road we've never been up before and just went wherever the wind may take us. In the end, we ended up on the road where Gary lives. Then we went up to Ben's halls from first year and home in time for Made in Chelsea. It was lovely weather, and it was a really nice walk. I think it'll be happening more often when the weather gets warmer.

Today, Rachel asked me what I was going to do when I have to leave this house. I said probably go home. She said, where does Gary live? North Wales. She actually got a bit mad with him, then said 'you'll be fine, there's trains'. Then Sam charged in with 'Gary lives in the arse end of nowhere.' Cheers for the vote of confidence, Sam. No wonder me and him aren't good friends anymore. But yeah, and I didn't feel upset. For the first time. Of course, since it's played on my mind a touch, if it hadn't, I wouldn't be typing this out. But, I don't feel like crying. I feel a bit disconnected from him this week. I get that we're both busy, but a couple of hours bbm-ing before bed won't kill him. But instead, he'd rather give in to his latest obsession - weight lifting and work out for an hour rather than talk to me. Maybe things will get better after Thursday. I don't know. Good thing is, Rachel's coming out Friday night, eep! Cannot wait to get drunk with her. So when Gary's running off with Jesus in the smoking area, I can stick with her and dance on the metal floor.

I feel a bit numb towards him, truth be told. On Sunday, I stayed at his and I got on a bit of a downer. He was nagging me to get my Oxford application sorted and I've been stressing because my lecturers haven't been responding to my emails. And so, I got a bit negative and stressy and went on a bit rant about how I'll probably not get in. I have back ups if I don't. But still, he says I annoy him when I get all negative. Which made me feel like shit in all honesty. All his ex's have been depressed properly, on anti-depressants and everything. Whereas, I'm not. I'm going through so much right now, and I really need him and I feel like he's not there. He says how much he's there for me and stuff, but whenever I want to talk or just be on a downer for half an hour, he gets the face on. I literally have only Ben to talk to these days and sometimes it's just not enough.

I've started building up the walls again, prepping myself to get hurt and put the armour back on. I know relationships can be hard sometimes, but when the 22 year old is acting like a 12 year old when his girlfriend needs him the most is ridiculous. I like him, I really fucking do, but I can't be dealing with the moods and how he makes me feel guilty for feeling the way I do.

For now, I need to go and try and sort out some sort of future.

i will live and learn my lesson.

Bit more positive post this time.

I FINISHED ALL MY UNI WORK. I just need to proofread everything and format it to be in line with the dreadful subject style sheet. Gonna start doing some of that in a bit. But the bulk is done. All the writing, agonising and what not, is finished. I actually can't believe how organised I've been this year compared to the previous two years. This time last year I had only just started writing my focus 2 report on fairytales, and now I have my focus 3 article complete and I have to proofread it and add in my references. It's incredible how much actually being here has helped. I am really happy with my short fictions portfolio, I love my article on censorship in young adult fiction and why it is a bad idea, and then my love/hate relationship with my creative practice final piece has been put to rest. I do like my extended story. I'm gutted it's not the lolhilarious comedy I intended it to be, but it'll probably get a better mark staying as it is.

Hand in is on Thursday. I'm hoping to have everything in on Wednesday to avoid the queues and the rush. Gary's work is in for the same day, although theirs might be electronically. But if not, that'd just be another class of people rushing to B block to hand in. It's always so stressful, and because we have two folders for each module the women behind the counter get all confused sometimes.

Mum rang me this afternoon. She's saving me an Alton Towers voucher. Despite the fact we probably already have enough between four people. Since me and Ben are getting in for free, thanks to mum's bff giving my sister the tickets for her birthday. Clare doesn't like rollercoasters and can't really get there anyway, whereas we can jump on the special Alton Towers bus. That's happening in about 3 weeks. Very excited. Especially since Tom's coming this time too, and me and him and Ben combined is always a good laugh.

This week will be stressful. I had a bit of a cry yesterday. I was trying to edit my classroom exercise on genre, and Julia had directed us towards sci-fi and horror, the two genres I avoid like the plague. And I felt like I couldn't do it. The idea of finishing this course and getting decent grades seemed so far away from me, I broke down. I cried for ages, on and off, then I started thinking about Grandma and all the things Mum said last week before I left to come back to Derby. I hate thinking about the fragile lady that is my grandmother having a nervous breakdown. I hate knowing that she once felt the same way I did. It seems alien, like she didn't deserve it at all. But then begs the question, do I deserve it? Probably not. But it plays on my mind. I don't like to think of her ever feeling more vulnerable than she already is. Also found out today that she doesn't read books anymore, due to her Alzheimer's, because she can't keep up with the story. That's really saddened me. I'm almost tempted to pass on a book of short stories to her, just so she can keep reading. Between them, my mother and grandma were the people that got me reading. I feel like I owe it to her slightly, especially as she was so nice on the phone last weekend and left me a bookmark.

I'm dreading everyone putting things on Facebook this week. I haven't done a bragging status about finishing, because I've been on the receiving end of so many of my course mates putting up statuses about writing a couple of hundred words and needing a pat on the back for it. That, and three of them are downstairs workshopping very early drafts of stories they should really have finished by now. I sound all high and mighty, but I'm really pissed off with a lot of people in our class as of late. We've been setting up workshop sessions in our own time, three times a week, and every time people say they'll turn up and then they don't. So we just did it by ourselves, (namely me, Ben, Annie, Alex) and have gotten our work pretty much done.

So this week is going to be a little strange. The last ever trip to B block, unless I get a wonderful referral for something. Hopefully not though. Between now and Thursday, I'm hoping Mockingjay makes an appearance in the post, as I've almost finished Catching Fire and I NEED to know what happens next. Thursday night is the creative writing social, in which we get drunk with the lecturers at uni and then possibly raid the Jonty. And Friday night is party at ours, then Mosh, which I'm really looking forward to. And then I might go home for a couple of days this weekend. I need to pick up the voucher, and take all The Hunger Games books to Mum to read. Not fully decided yet, although I'm swaying towards going.

I should also probably finish my application to Oxford Brookes. Although at the minute, I'm wondering if it's worth it. My lecturers have been reluctant to reply to my requests of referees, so it's getting disheartening. Plus, my personal statement attempt was dire and I've had no time to polish it up just yet. Tomorrow might be the day. Then there's funding, which I keep pushing to the back of my mind. And I decided not to apply for creative writing, because it'd be pointless. I chose a creative enterprises course at Leeds Met, but I'm not sure I can go through the whole application process again, it's exhausting. Why can't it just be like UCAS where there was one personal statement for them all? Ugh. But yeah, I have a back up if this all fails anyway, a cheaper course that might be a little bit better for me at the minute.

Tonight I need to fill in my pre-counselling sheet and watch The Voice. If those three ever remove themselves from the living room...

fall to pieces, i'm falling.

So this week has been a bit of a whirlwind.

On Monday, we had a workshop session at Muffin Break. Me and Ben were there so very early, as usual. So we ate chocolate cheesecake to pass the time till Annie arrived. Followed by Sam and Alex. It was fairly productive. Then, we came home and carried on working, and watched Made in Chelsea. Tuesday we had lecture 1-4, but prior to that I had my wellbeing appointment (we'll get to that) at 11. So me and boyfriend chilled in uni for an hour or so after. Wednesday we had our final short fictions lecture with Moy, then came back and worked. Boyfriend came round last night, and we watched Saw - yes I manned up and watched a horror film. With my eyes covered and shrieking for most of the gory bits, mind. Then he's hung around this morning and watched some telly.

My wellbeing appointment was weird. I felt a bit nervous going in, but I know they're not there to judge and make assumptions. I didn't get chance to cover all that I wanted to. Most of it was focusing in on the Kim situation and how that has been affecting me and my insecurities. She suggested I have counselling, and I have decided I'm going to. So I'm going up to uni in a bit to try and sort that out.

In a way, it dragged up a lot of feelings I had forgotten and Tuesday night I felt really awful. I talked to Ben about it for ages, and did some of my reading report, but I felt really numb and empty. I couldn't focus on my work, and then Kim was causing facebook drama, so I got side tracked with that. Annie was texting me and Gary was bbm-ing and then my Mum rang and Rachel and Liz were texting me. It's nice to have support, but it didn't make me feel better. I had a shower and got into bed, and on Wednesday morning I woke up crying. I'm all over the place at the moment. It happened again this morning, I just burst into tears whilst we were eating breakfast.

It's for no reason too. I don't know if it's hormones or just the old feelings coming back and hitting me at random moments. But I want it to stop. I need to figure out my way through this, and counselling is probably the only way I'm going to manage that.

The rest of this week is going to be so dull. One week today we hand everything in and that's it. University is finished. On the 3rd, we have our final ever creative writing social. Then on the 4th Aden's organised a party at ours then on to Mosh. Cannot wait. I have missed the metal floor and cheap VS's far too much.

better sorry than safe.

This next week is going to be insane.

The week before hand in is always stressful. I'm quite on top of everything so far though. I did so much today, just banging out introductions and things left, right and centre. I have been putting some of the short fictions extras off for a couple of weeks now, just because they're dull to write. It's not difficult stuff left now, it's just all the boring process analysis's and editing. But I do enjoy editing a lot, so I'm not gonna complain. Recently, We Are The In Crowd has become my working music. Last week, I was sick of having my iTunes on shuffle and getting songs that were making me cry, so I went to youtube and listened to loads of bands I don't listen to anymore. Lots of We The Kings and A Rocket to the Moon. It worked, I got a lot done. So pop-punk has become the working genre.

I literally have two process analysis's to do, a few drafts to make up and a few bits to perfect. That is it. So work isn't so much of a stress anymore. I'm taking it as it comes and trying my hardest, although I'm not so hung up on the A's and B's anymore.

Tom and I went to see Jason on Thursday for some careers advice. The careers people at uni leave a lot to the imagination, so we hoped Jason would shed some light on matters for us. And he did, for once. He did advise us to go for postgrad study, which neither of us was very keen on, but Gary being the best boyfriend ever, linked me to a website that gave loads of different degrees in subject areas we wanted. So in short, I'm applying for a couple. The short list is publishing at Anglia Ruskin and Oxford Brookes (we'll get to that in a minute) and creative writing at either Cardiff Met or Hull. I've no funding, I'm literally just seeing if I can get in. I am gonna apply for funding and scholarships this week, but it's still hit and miss whether you'll get one. But yeah, we shall see.

Oxford Brookes. Yeah. Gary got a conditional offer for his tourism course. I was reluctant to apply at first. I told him last week about what I'd found, and the fact they're the centre of the publishing industry in the country and they have their own specialist school for it. I barely got through my explanations before he'd told me to apply. It's not about him. It's not about the fact he's applied and might end up going there. It's got to be about me and my future and what I want. Jason did advise us to apply for anything and everything. So I'm doing it. I probably won't even get a conditional since it's so competitive, but we won't find out till I try.

He's been the best this past week. I've been a bit wobbly. A bit distrusting of him. I thought he was doing something behind my back - not cheating, just something else I don't agree with - but I'm having second thoughts. I don't think he was. I don't know. But he's been ever so sweet about the whole wellbeing appointment. On Saturday morning I said he didn't have to come if he didn't have time or he didn't want to, and he cut me off completely and said he wanted to come and be there for me. He keeps doing this, saying the right thing when I need it most. I do love how in sync we are with one another. But at the same time, I don't want one of us to get in to Oxford. I think it'd change things too much if we both went there. He applied first and put up a Facebook status about his offer, so I'm avoiding doing the same. Only he and Ben know I'm applying and I'd rather keep it that way.

I am worried about the wellbeing appointment. I bought Glamour magazine at the train station yesterday and there was an interview with Frankie Sandford about her depression, then there's a whole article on depression and how to spot the signs. I have a few of the symptoms. So kinda worrying myself. I've always been a tad hypochondriac, so yeah. I thought about making a list of what I want to talk about, but I think it'd be a hindrance than a help. I kinda have it mapped out in my mind. Insecurities - fear of losing Gary - Kim and Annie and that whole situation - insecurities. It's all linked up. So it isn't too difficult to remember. I am scared of what I might say, but it needs to come out and I'd rather it be to a stranger than one of the guys or girls.

I do worry that I've gone back on myself. I feel bad for my Mum. Although she's been ever so nice since I told her what's been going on with my head. She told my Grandma, and this morning she said Grandma had a nervous breakdown when my Mum was little, so she knows how I feel. It upsets and comforts me that someone so close to me knows what I'm going through. I don't claim I'm having a nervous breakdown, but it's not good at the moment. Grandma rung me this morning to say she'd got me a nice bookmark. I cried. Over a bookmark. It's mental what's happening to me right now. I cry if someone's horrible, I cry if someone's nice. People can't win with me right now.

a letter to you.

Dear you,

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry for all the on/off shit I've been putting you through these past few months. Things were okay at first, and I know it's still good. It's just me right now. My pathetic insecurities have come creeping back. I'm paranoid and anxious and I can't sleep at night. I miss you when we're apart, but I can't stand it when we're together. It's conflicting, because I like you, of course I do, but little things right now are bugging me and I don't know how to deal with it.

It all started before the first test. I was in bed, trying to sleep. We were bbm-ing each other, and you kept saying it'll be okay. I was terrified. I've never been that scared before, and it was awful. Then, just as the tears started, you said you were going to bed. I wasn't done talking. I needed you that night, and instead, you just went to bed. I went to Kim's room and sat and cried on her for an hour.

After that, came the second test. I wasn't as scared. Still, pretty worried, but I knew what to expect. The nurse was nicer than the first one. She told you we seemed comfortable with one another and was shocked that we hadn't been together longer.

I needed you throughout the Annie/Kim drama. They dragged me into the middle and it was hell. It still is sometimes. You kept telling me to tell them to fuck off. It's not that simple though, is it? You never understood how severe it was, how many sleepless nights I had because of those two. You just didn't get it and you still don't.

I feel like sometimes I support you more than you support me. I've been there for you throughout your dissertation. I was there on hand in day. I spent night after night with you, telling you that you could do it. I read through it to highlight any mistakes. All 12,000 words. You were in Morocco when I was doing mine. Not your fault, but you could've helped me out when you got back. Instead, you did Annie's for her.

I cried during those ballads at You Me At Six because I wanted you there with me. The insecurities were just starting over and I needed you to hold my hand and promise you'd be there. And you weren't bbm-ing me back.

A few weeks ago, the thought of losing you made my chest ache. It felt like agony. Now, I just feel numb. I think I've accepted the fact that come July, we're through. Sometimes my insecurities win and I fear I'm just a girlfriend of convenience. Then you say you really really care about me and those fears wash away. But now, I'm scared. I'm scared that he's going to change you from my lovely boyfriend into someone like him. I need you at this presentation party. It's three hours, and I'm sure it won't kill you. I just really need you there for support. Please don't change. Please, please don't. I don't understand this and I don't know why you haven't told me yourself, but please don't become him. Please.

Despite all the issues, I like you. Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to create problems so it'll be easier to walk away when the time comes. I probably am. My internal defense mechanisms work in mysterious ways.

You comfort me, you take care of me, you buy me cheesy dippers, you go swimming with me, we have fun together, we have lots of inside jokes, you make me laugh, you make me feel good, you stay up with me when I'm upset, you let me fall asleep on you when we watch films, you let me play on your games and don't laugh cos I'm crap, you make me believe I can actually do this, you listen to me whine and talk about my nightmares, you cuddle me when I have one and comfort me after. Sometimes I feel like I really need and depend on you, that's dying out now.

I'm sorry for all the shit. I like you. Please, don't hurt me.

Love me.

i'm not losing sleep over you.

Dublin happened. It was okay. Had a few laughs. The bust up on Friday night wasn't brilliant. But, it wouldn't be a family holiday without at least one blazing argument. I've eaten enough burgers to last a lifetime, but I didn't drink much. Which is odd for me. But when it's 6.60 in euros for a smirn off ice, it's a bit off putting.

So, this morning and last night, I didn't really want to come back. I'm scared that now I'm back, I've got to face up to all the things I've been running away from.

Me and Kim are seeing the wellbeing people this week. Neither of us are coping very well at the moment, and she's seen them before in first year and apparently they're helpful enough. It'd just be nice to speak to someone who won't judge and who isn't going to go and tell everyone else. I think a lot more things than just woes about work will come out. I do fear they'll think there's something wrong with me, but it's a chance I'm just gonna have to take. I need to see someone professional because I'm coping horrendously at the moment.

Work is okay. My main worry is creative practice. Last year, I got an A. This year, I'll be lucky if I get a C. My inspiration levels have dropped drastically and I have no motivation. I've been using the time to do all my little bits for short fictions. I've also pretty much done my focus 3 article. Creative practice is really worrying me, and I'm pulling life writing out of my arse just for a chance at getting a decent grade. I genuinely don't know what I'm doing right now.

So I had to turn off all my phone connections, and I switched them back on at the baggage carousel in Manchester Airport earlier to a text from our landlady telling me she'd got my rent (thank god!) and a bbm from Gary. It basically read 'I need you back, I want to have long hot sex with you and fall asleep with you in my arms. Hurry back to me'. Granted, he probably was drunk. But, it's just, I've been thinking for the past couple of days and part of me has already let him go. He's been applying for jobs everywhere and he seems to have his heart set on Oxford Brookes uni at the moment. Despite the fact he can't afford a masters. I don't know. I have missed him, it's just gotten easier the longer it's been. Maybe that's the way heartbreak works.

I kind of feel a bit more positive. Had a little cry when I got home. Mainly because Gary's been ever so sweet about the whole wellbeing/therapists thing. He's offered to come along with me and be the best boyfriend ever, as per usual.

The next three weeks are going to be tough. But I think I can do it.

fade like a played out song.

Sitting here in my room, whilst the sun pours through my window with Alter Bridge's Live in Amsterdam streaming on youtube. Good times.

I've managed to do some work since handing in my independent study over a week ago. I've written the title for my focus 3 article, but I'm becoming increasingly frustrated with google, as it won't let me search for things. I need a Wall Street Journal and some Guardian articles, but it's being a twat, so I might write from memory till I go home next week and refine it then.

It's been a bit of a whirlwind. Gary got back at midnight on the 17th/18th. Stayed up for two hours talking to him via bbm, whilst he was on his way back from Manchester Airport. The 18th, I got really pissed off and then he and Annie turned up a couple of hours before me and Kim were due to leave for Nottingham. You Me At Six were okay. Bit boring. And they've completely abandoned Take Off Your Colours. I hate it when bands forget what they used to be. I think the only old songs they did were Call That A Comeback and Finders Keepers. And they did loads of ballads at once, so in my over emotional state, I stood there sobbing. Kids In Glass Houses were incredible though, they came on and did Sunshine straight away. My heart melted a little. I love that song.

When we returned to Derby on the 19th, I went to see Gary. Talked a lot. Came home and finished my independent study printing and ordering. Got that bound on the 20th. That night me and Gary went to Wolverhampton to see Enter Shikari. That was an adventure, to put it mildly. We got to Wolverhampton just fine (changeover at Birmingham New Street) and got to the Civic before Tek One had even thought about gracing the stage. It was possibly one of the more violent gigs I've ever attended, and I wasn't even in the pits. Young Guns were amazing. Shikari were okay. Not much of a fan, and getting smacked in the face and chest and drinking too much aren't good combinations. Then missing the train we were supposed to be on didn't help when I had a drunken panic attack in the middle of Wolverhampton. We managed to get to Birmingham, but no trains or coaches to Derby resulted in us calling Alex, and bless him, he picked us up from the Bullring. But even so, it took us forever to get home as we got lost. Didn't get back to Gary's till about half 2 in the morning.

After all that, had a few chill days. Me and Ben went on a few lengthy walks, and my dearest housemate went back home on Sunday. I really have been missing him. We talk a lot and we're in the same boat in this house and we have the same sense of humour, so to not have that person you have all those things in common with, well, it's like chopping a limb off. I've spent a lot of time with Gary since he returned, mainly at night and stuff, my stressing nightmares haven't helped anything at all. We went swimming on Monday and I went to meet Annie, Kim and Aden after and I almost cried on Annie in the middle of Westfield.

I'm stressing about work. I feel like I can't write anything original anymore. Over the past two years I have prided myself on my originality. I don't think I'm brilliant or anything like that. But originality is key, I find, when writing. And if you don't have that in this day and age, there's not much point. I just keep regurgitating the same old shit, and it's boring and frustrating. But I have nothing else.

I'm happy. I really am. I think I'm just removing myself from Gary slightly. Setting myself up for heartbreak come July. I've seen enough films and stuff to know it's not going to be pretty. I've come to depend upon him for my happiness, and I've never done that. I don't do that. I'm starting to stop depending on him so much because not only is it unfair on him, it's unfair on me. When all this ends, I want to build up my own happiness again, and I can't do that if I'm depending upon him for it. Me and Kim watched Sex and the City last night and there's the bit when Samantha gets annoyed at Smith because she never waited around for a man before him. And I feel like that. I've never done the things I do before I met Gary. And it's not always a bad thing, but the dependence is. I suppose it's another one of my stupid internal defence mechanisms, build up the walls he knocked down and stop letting him in. It's putting a strain on us, I can feel it. But I don't know what else to do.

real big plans & such bad thoughts.

Finally getting excited for You Me At Six. I don't want to sound ungrateful, because I love my dad and the fact that he's taken me to gigs since I was 13 is incredible, but these days I don't get excited about gigs like I used to. I love going. The atmosphere and getting lost in the music for a couple of hours and I love going to other cities for gigs, I like the journey there and back, the anticipation and the reflection. But, these days I don't get the butterflies and the heart racing excitement that I used to. I genuinely think the last time I felt that excited to see a band was Avenged Sevenfold in November 2010. So it's been a while. But yeah, as much as me and Kim aren't seeing eye to eye recently, my sister is hyping me up, sending me the lyrics and such every day.

Whilst we're on musical topics, LEEDS FESTIVAL, I COULD CRY. My sister and her bff, Jess are going. She's going to see my favourite band before I do. My plan is to cry to Gary when he gets back on Saturday/Sunday (depending on times/flight delays) and see if I can persuade him to go on the Friday with me. It's possible, line up wise, he loves The Gaslight Anthem and Bullet For My Valentine. It's just money and location that might be the impossible. But yeah, Foo Fighters. FOO FIGHTERS. It's making me distraught just thinking about it. First World problems right here. But yeah, for the band I have adored since I heard 'Best of You' in 2003 (before even my FOB/AAR/MCR days) it's a big deal. I missed them in '07 when my dad took my mum instead of me and when they did stadiums the other year, no one wanted to go with me. So yeah. Gary did promise a couple of months ago that when they toured, he'd take me, and technically, a festival isn't a tour, but I'm enduring Enter Shitkari for him next week, so hopefully he'll have a rush of generosity.

Anyway, three days till he's baaaack! Today has been the turning point. I miss him, not gonna lie. But I'm at the stage where it's not horrible anymore and I'm getting excited to see him again and talk to him. It's a bit longer till I see him (Monday), but I've missed talking to him more than anything. We talk every day, and it's been strange not having the usual 'night babe' bbm before bed, but I'm used to it now. Had a mini cry this morning and then cheered up a lot. It is horrid, sitting by myself in my room, but I've been here a couple of hours today and I'm fine. I'm just excited for Sunday daytime when he's conscious from the flight and sleep and stuff and I can actually talk to him. Eeeee. And we're leaving the hotel early on Monday, because A, we have to, and B, I'm dragging them to the station so I can go get my much needed cuddles and kisses. Christ, when did I become so soppy? Ew.

Going out tonight with Tom. Should be fun. As long as Kim and Annie don't murder each other across the table. But yeah, should be a laugh. Have a decent amount of money to spend after I did some quick calculations about the remains of my loan and how much I'll need for each event next week and printing and binding my independent study - WHICH IS NOW FINISHED. Aw yeah. Just needs formatting, printing and I need to sort my appendix, but that's Friday's/Saturday's job. To be honest, that is going to be the worst and stressful part. I loathe printing with a passion. But then I have to get it bound too at Rymans. Then it's over. Lovely.

Talked to Moy today about how insecure I've been feeling about my writing after the wonderful Julia slagged off my work. Moy's been lovely about it and counteracted everything that was said and has sorted A Flash Flood of Colour out for me pretty much, just the ending needs work. So after all the heartache that's gone into this story, I can finally say, it's going in the portfolio and it will be as good as the others.

It's been a weird couple of days. I'm looking forward to tonight. Tom's been my friend since first year and we've always cheered each other up, similar sense of humours are a great thing and we bounce off one another. Alcohol and Wetherspoons chips doused in mayo are calling me. Then tomorrow we have a mass afternoon workshop session, which my favourite people are attending and then not much till Sunday's gig. A lot of stressing and printing and excitement on Saturday at the prospect of Gary being homeeee. (:

i think i can figure it out, but i'm gonna need a little help to get me through it.

Motion City Soundtrack, giving me the answers to everything since 2012.

I bought My Dinosaur Life when it first came out, and I'd not previously listened to them. But, I love this album and Gary has a shit ton of the older stuff on his iTunes, so I've heard plenty by them. This song in particular was one that bypassed me on the album. It came on Kerrang! on Friday after I'd cried for ages to my Mum about a number of things. Everything clicked. It has taken a couple of days for the tears to stop completely, but I feel like now I can do this.

Truth me told, my main fear about university finishing is the prospect of going home, back to my friends who aren't quite as supportive as my university friends. Then there's Gary and our relationship going on hiatus/possibly ending/being long distance and rarely seeing each other. I felt like I was going to lose everyone all at once. I've been at university for three years and by now I was supposed to know what I wanted to do in life, and last week I was freaking out. Gary wants to do everything, join the RAF, do something to do with climate change, meteorlogy and several other geographical things. Now, I kind of have an idea. I'm freaking out less and feeling more positive.

It isn't ideal and it might not be realistic, but I plan to do as much research and do whatever I can to get there. I remember being 16, saying I wanted to do this, then I changed my mind. And reading on a website that it is best not to have a direct degree in this has made me feel so much better about choosing to do creative writing. I feel like things might start slotting into place now. And I feel a lot less lost and useless. And y'know, if things come to an end, we had a good run. I will be upset, I'm not gonna lie, but I'm twenty. There's plenty of people to meet and things to do, places to see. For the first time in forever I feel like I have the world at my feet and it feels incredible.

Life's great epiphanies aside, this week is going to be stressful. I want to keep as busy as possible to keep from missing Gary. (Bitch is in Morocco till Saturday night). I haven't cried since Saturday afternoon though, and it's now Monday. It's going quite well! In a week from now, I get to see him again and have a cuddle and catch him up on all my complaints. Lecture tomorrow, then polishing up my dissertation (which is almost finished), Wednesday is workshopping and then going out with Ben and Tom for cheap pitchers, Thursday is a long ass workshop session at Muffin Break, Friday lecture and I probably need to do some tidying up, Saturday bugger all, probably printing and then Sunday is You Me At Six, Kids In Glass Houses and Mayday Parade (arghhhh). So plenty of things to keep me away from the dark corners of my over active mind.

fear's got a hold on me.

There's a shit storm coming.

I feel like in the past few days a lot has changed. My perspective on certain people has become blurred and what I thought I was certain about, I'm now not.

I thought at this stage I had everyone figured out. Last week I knew who I could trust. And the total number of people wasn't many. It was around six people. Three of whom, I don't get to see as often as I'd like to these days. The other day, things changed. A massive shift seemed to happen and suddenly, my trustworthy people list is down to five.

She's never done anything wrong to me. I'm not gonna lie and pretend that she has, because in all fairness, she hasn't. I like her. I just don't like some of her behaviour. I hated how she spoke to my boyfriend that night after the quiz. She can be extremely patronising and her constant complaining when she has lived (and still does) a very charmed life. Click of the fingers and parents come running. She doesn't have a weekly budget to get her through each semester until the next loan payment goes in her bank account. She can afford to go to expensive meals at Japanese restaurants and can afford three courses and several drinks if we go to cheaper establishments. I won't lie, I envy her for materialistic reasons, but it's never come between us. She's jealous of my relationship with my father and the fact he's taken me to rock gigs since I was 13. I'd much rather have seen my favourite bands live than own a ridiculous amount of expensive make up.

I hate her a little bit. For making Kim feel like she does. But then again, I still hate Kim. I hate her for how she treated us and a couple of days of being pleasant does not take back the fact I have stressed, made myself ill and cried for hours to Gary about it. And almost crying in Moy's office last week when I hit breaking point.

I don't want to waste the last few months we have together. One is burying her head in the sand and pretending like nothing is happening, and the other is all out bitching about her and laughing at the prospect of an argument.

Personally, I loathe confrontation. Not gonna lie, a bit of bitching here and there is fine by me, everyone does it. But it's when rumours start and things get blown up out of proportion that I hate. And how they have to air everything on Facebook to get people on side and so everyone can see who the bad/good guys are. I'm trying not to get involved but it's so hard when one bitches about the other to me. I'm caught in the middle and I never intended to be.

There's not much of a way out, but only to spend time with them when I absolutely have to.

The only issue is, how do you tell someone they've been the problem all this time, when in actual fact, they didn't think they were?

the downfall of us all.

Went to see Theory of a Deadman last Friday. Incredible. Just truly amazing. Tyler Connolly is becoming one of my favourite front men. He was entertaining and good at commanding the crowd. They played quite a balance of material, mainly off The Truth Is and Scars & Souvieners, but since they're the only albums of theirs I own, I wasn't complaining. They did a few off Gasoline. Quite liked Santa Monica, but the lyrics feel a bit too close for me to download it and listen to it on a regular basis. Maybe when I stop feeling this mixed up. The Crave too were fabulous as always, Ryan's vocal seems to get stronger the more times I see them. Shame they did more newer stuff that hasn't been released yet so there wasn't much singing along, but they did do Breaking the Silence and a couple of others off the album. Good night.

This week I've had some sort of an epiphany. I had a little cry on Wednesday to Gary and then woke up Thursday morning thinking 'what the fuck am I doing?' Basically, I don't want to waste these last few months of university and I don't want to look back and think I wasted my time being bitter/angry/upset, when I could have just let it go and had a good time. So, I've taken steps towards being a bit more positive about things in general. So what if Kim wants to be a bitch and has wound up getting Darren and Amy on her side? If they don't want to be my friend, then fuck them. There are plenty of other, more trustworthy, nicer people out there to hang around with.

It all seemed to come to a head on Wednesday. Short fictions seems to be the root of the problems. We started workshopping then me and Ben went to give Moy some work for her to look over and it wound up being a bit of a therapy session. I almost cried. I've never been one to give up on people easily and it just feels like we are giving up on Kim. I think what hurt the most was that we were really good friends at the beginning of the year and it's disintegrated into this awkwardness. And we can't go back. But, I'm trying. This is day two of not talking about her, and she's been a bit more pleasant, so I can't complain too much.

These next few weeks are going to be weird. Sam's birthday next weekend and Gary pisses off to Morrocco on his geography trip, Kim's birthday and You Me At Six and Gary's return the weekend after, Enter Shikari on the 20th, independent study hand in on the 23rd (hoping to have it in on the 20th/21st though) and going out for Ben's birthday to Pizza Express somewhere in between all that. It's going to be weird, stressful, but hopefully fun.

Oh, and I passed my censorship essay.

light me up when i'm down.

My emotions have been so up and down, it's getting irritating now.

I stayed with Gary on Sunday night, after we'd been to Pizza Express for his birthday and run into Jobie (he's stalking me...) and we had a really nice night, and I do like waking up with him in a morning. He had to be up early to clean the house for a viewing before his lecture. And so I stayed in bed, playing Brain Training, getting frustrated because I seem to be stuck on a C+ grade. And he had Frank Turner on, and I just burst into tears. It wasn't even a sad song. I hid under the covers and calmed down quickly, but all the way home I wanted to cry. Then I got back, and everyone was still in bed, so I went on my laptop for a while and I had an email off my best friend from school, Melissa. Who I haven't spoken to since I moved to Derby, and I just cried for about half an hour straight.

I don't know what it is. Yesterday night I went to stay at Gary's again instead of going to the quiz (not that anyone else went anyway), and I sat and read The Outsiders and started Imperial Bedrooms on his Kindle. And it was an alright night. We had a giggle after he'd finished his essay, and we ordered garlic bread and cheesy dippers from Letz Eat. Sam and Sam were being nice, so I didn't feel uneasy around them. And then, this morning I've just woken up and felt crap again. I cried saying bye to him this morning because I dreaded going to uni and seeing everyone.

Thing is, last semester when things were horrendous between me and Kim, I had a lot of nightmares and anxiety and stomach aches and stuff. And the nightmares started again on Monday night. I think it's happening again. I'm so scared of what's happening and what will happen. Walking on egg shells around her because she knows so much about me that I'd rather not have everyone else know. I know Gary's probably sick of hearing it, god, I am, and I'm living through it. So I try and hold a lot of it in when I'm around him. I don't want to ruin our time together by being bitter and upset.

I calmed down quickly and went on to lecture. Moy (ever the fabulous lecturer) greeted me in such a nice fashion, I felt every fear I'd had go away and I gave her my portfolio statement and got on with things. With Annie being gone, we've teamed up with another group of our friends. Big mistake. Kim did absolutely fuck all, and the feedback I did get from her was useless. I worked so hard on giving Zak decent feedback, and then spent the rest of the time re-writing one of my stories.

It just infuriates me. I need to get A-'s at least in everything this year, to pull up my average from what will most likely be, a terrible independent study grade (aiming for a C, but I'm not counting on it) and last year's focus 2 D- referral grade. I don't see why I should suffer in the long run because she can't be bothered to workshop my writing. But at the same time, I'm scared to say anything too drastic because of the repercussions.

I refuse to be made out to be the villain in all this.

try to keep your head above water.

So many mixed emotions these past couple of weeks. Relief, anxiety, hatred, nervous, content, happy, upset, angry.

Finally got to see Young Guns last week after almost not being able to go as my sister left it really late to get tickets. Fortunately, we tracked a pair down on the Corporation website. They were incredible. It was in the smaller room at the Corp, which I've only ever been to when it's half empty, so I've been able to get on the platform to see the stage. This time was a sell out, so I had to try and perv over Gustav from behind the ridiculously placed pillars. Learn My Lesson was definitely a highlight and I'm obsessed with them all over again. Which is a good thing as me and Gary will be seeing them in roughly a month with Enter Shikari. Eep.

I feel like I've lost a friend right now. Kim's being anything but pleasant to myself and Ben over the past few months. Last week I got really upset and Gary was being a typical boy, burying his head in the sand and so I went to Kim and cried to her about everything. As far as I'm aware, she's not told anyone. But Annie said a few things last week that made me think maybe she has. But hopefully, if she has, it won't go any further than those two. That aside, it was almost like things were back to normal. Then we ended up going to our short fictions lecturer about her this past week. Kim's been 'disrespecting' our work, as Moy puts it. She tries to distract us during workshopping and laughs at unfunny pieces. My portfolio theme is loss and absence and there's a lot of death in it, and I'm scared to give her my stories. And it shouldn't be like that. So now Moy's onto her and so will the heads of third year. Next week will be a dramatic one on the uni front.

Gary's birthday night out last night. I've never felt so content. Not for a while anyway. Sitting in The Friary with (mostly) good people. It was a good laugh. Sam got drunk on a £7 bottle of wine, drinking it from a pint glass because he's a classy git. Dancing with Annie across the table. Jayde throwing herself onto Sam. And taking the piss out of everyone. Gary was happy, which was nice to see since he stresses himself out so much about everything. Mosh was okay. Got hit in the face during a mosh pit which wasn't nice and some randomer decided to feel me up whilst I was kissing Gary, so I kicked him. Jesus and Jobie were their usual hilarious selves. Nice to see the metal floor playlist hasn't changed though, Avenged Sevenfold, Killswitch Engage, System of a Down, ohhh you know what to expect on that floor.

I'm starting to feel like I'm feeling too strongly for him. I don't love him. I like him a lot. I'd do a lot for him. He makes me happy. And I always want to cry when he gets all sentimental and slushy with me. He did last night. And I nearly burst into tears. Happy ones, mind. But still. I'm so used to guys messing me around and playing mind games. He's so honest and open with me. I trust him with so much. But I had a massive wall up around me this time last year and now I don't. I'm so vulnerable with him, and he knows it and sometimes I'm scared of what he'll do what that knowledge. I have to keep reminding myself that we've been involved with each other for almost six months, and for almost four of that we've been 'officially' boyfriend and girlfriend. If he was going to suddenly become a wanker, he'd have done that already.

It's been four years today since my grandad died. I only remembered at 8AM. I was awake whilst Gary slept through his drunkenness. I just laid in bed and cried. I don't know how I felt about it. Because eventually I went back to sleep and woke up feeling fine. Too many emotions running through me at the moment. I keep going from one extreme to the next. But I hide it well.

So this week I have Gary's actual birthday tomorrow (22, so old) and we're going to Pizza Express tomorrow night because last time we went on a date there last month, it was really cute and we had such a nice night. Then I have zero lectures. Only Tuesday, we have some talk in creative practice. Then we've arranged to do some workshopping on Wednesday. And going home Friday for Theory of a Deadman in Manchester, I'm so looking forward to seeing them again. And hoping they play Hurricane this time, since their set will be longer than half an hour. So yeah. Mixed times ahead too.

constellations.

This week has been a bit of a weird one. I went home last Friday and came back to Derby on Wednesday. I have done a hell of a lot of uni work this past week. I stopped having emotional breakdowns towards the end of last week, so I've been feeling a lot better than I was before.

I spent the day with my boyfriend on Wednesday and then again yesterday. We did a lot of going round town, buying things we don't need and went to get piercings done/sorted out. I manned up and got my snug done yesterday and it was ridiculously painful. So yeah, me being me things can't stay nice and lovely for very long.

Two of three housemates moved back yesterday and because I was neither here nor there yesterday, I barely saw them. Me and the boyfriend came back and made an effort with Kim, tried talking to her and it was very strained and awkward. So I had a shower and we went back to his house at about five. This morning I came back and neither housemates have spoken to me all day. They've just ignored me. Which is really nice of them. I don't know what is happening, but it seems that nothing has changed since last semester. Apart from the fact that I am not going to let it get to me. I can't get poorly like I did last year through stressing about everything and crying because I don't know what I've done wrong. Ben's back on Sunday, and I'm staying at boyfriend's tomorrow night. So I've just got to throw myself into doing some work tomorrow day time.

I can't wait to go back to uni now. I want time to go slow, because I don't want to leave and if time isn't against me, it means I can take my time with my work. But I want to go back and have a purpose to being here again. Plus, everyone will be back and socialising again and we can do the quiz at the pub on Tuesday night. And we're going to Frankie and Benny's for Annie's 21st next Friday, which I'm really looking forward to.

Things aren't going to change. But I'm sick of making myself unhappy just so others feel better. So fuck the rest.

easy for you to say, your heart has never been broken.

I don't really know where to begin. It's been a weird 24 hours.

I got back to Derby yesterday and I was really excited to be back. My boyfriend did his two exams for the semester yesterday, and I went over to his last night. I went back to Sheffield last week, so I wouldn't be distracting him from revision. I'm bored and hate being by myself in our igloo house, so I've been spending a lot of time at his. When I'm actually here anyway.

The later it gets, the deeper our conversations get. I was saying how I don't want uni to ever end. We've gone on about it a few times in the past, but it feels more real now we're in 2012, as it's our graduating year. It's terrifying. So, I got extremely upset after my boyfriend said he would finish things with me if we have to live too far away from one another. He didn't realise I'd be willing to go wherever he needs to. He knows what he wants to do, and I don't. I'm taking time to think it through. And it made me feel really shitty. I've always been everyone's last resort and everyone's second option and I just broke down and cried for an hour. He felt really bad and apologised profusely. I agree with him though. I don't think I could cope being in a long distance relationship. I barely got through two weeks away from him at Christmas. I just, it's been building up for a long time. I've always been the second option with all my friends and it just pushed me over the edge. Someone I've put so much into saying that. Granted, his point was valid, and I agreed with it, he just worded it very, very badly.

It's soppy and pathetic and I hate him a bit for it. We've had a rough 24 hours, a lot has happened between us and he's really been there for me when he didn't have to be. I don't love him. Yet. I like him a lot. He makes me ridiculously happy and the thought of him not being there anymore is really painful. I'm crying now just thinking about it.

I've come to be really reliant on him, and I hate myself for it. Last summer I had walls sky high around myself. No one could get in. Then I met Gary. And I trusted him quickly, and it's hard for me to do that. I tell him a lot of things that I wouldn't tell anyone else. I find it hard to open up to people, and I feel really weak being dependent on others. I grew such a thick skin and now I'm back to being vulnerable again. I'm just scared. I've trusted him with so much and I can't imagine him not being there. I don't want to seem pathetic. I didn't ever think it'd be forever, I'm not sure I even believe in forever, but I just felt I was on to something good. I am. I adore him. I'm just feeling a bit, let down. It feels like our relationship is a time bomb now. We're just waiting for it to explode and end.