i will live and learn my lesson.

Bit more positive post this time.

I FINISHED ALL MY UNI WORK. I just need to proofread everything and format it to be in line with the dreadful subject style sheet. Gonna start doing some of that in a bit. But the bulk is done. All the writing, agonising and what not, is finished. I actually can't believe how organised I've been this year compared to the previous two years. This time last year I had only just started writing my focus 2 report on fairytales, and now I have my focus 3 article complete and I have to proofread it and add in my references. It's incredible how much actually being here has helped. I am really happy with my short fictions portfolio, I love my article on censorship in young adult fiction and why it is a bad idea, and then my love/hate relationship with my creative practice final piece has been put to rest. I do like my extended story. I'm gutted it's not the lolhilarious comedy I intended it to be, but it'll probably get a better mark staying as it is.

Hand in is on Thursday. I'm hoping to have everything in on Wednesday to avoid the queues and the rush. Gary's work is in for the same day, although theirs might be electronically. But if not, that'd just be another class of people rushing to B block to hand in. It's always so stressful, and because we have two folders for each module the women behind the counter get all confused sometimes.

Mum rang me this afternoon. She's saving me an Alton Towers voucher. Despite the fact we probably already have enough between four people. Since me and Ben are getting in for free, thanks to mum's bff giving my sister the tickets for her birthday. Clare doesn't like rollercoasters and can't really get there anyway, whereas we can jump on the special Alton Towers bus. That's happening in about 3 weeks. Very excited. Especially since Tom's coming this time too, and me and him and Ben combined is always a good laugh.

This week will be stressful. I had a bit of a cry yesterday. I was trying to edit my classroom exercise on genre, and Julia had directed us towards sci-fi and horror, the two genres I avoid like the plague. And I felt like I couldn't do it. The idea of finishing this course and getting decent grades seemed so far away from me, I broke down. I cried for ages, on and off, then I started thinking about Grandma and all the things Mum said last week before I left to come back to Derby. I hate thinking about the fragile lady that is my grandmother having a nervous breakdown. I hate knowing that she once felt the same way I did. It seems alien, like she didn't deserve it at all. But then begs the question, do I deserve it? Probably not. But it plays on my mind. I don't like to think of her ever feeling more vulnerable than she already is. Also found out today that she doesn't read books anymore, due to her Alzheimer's, because she can't keep up with the story. That's really saddened me. I'm almost tempted to pass on a book of short stories to her, just so she can keep reading. Between them, my mother and grandma were the people that got me reading. I feel like I owe it to her slightly, especially as she was so nice on the phone last weekend and left me a bookmark.

I'm dreading everyone putting things on Facebook this week. I haven't done a bragging status about finishing, because I've been on the receiving end of so many of my course mates putting up statuses about writing a couple of hundred words and needing a pat on the back for it. That, and three of them are downstairs workshopping very early drafts of stories they should really have finished by now. I sound all high and mighty, but I'm really pissed off with a lot of people in our class as of late. We've been setting up workshop sessions in our own time, three times a week, and every time people say they'll turn up and then they don't. So we just did it by ourselves, (namely me, Ben, Annie, Alex) and have gotten our work pretty much done.

So this week is going to be a little strange. The last ever trip to B block, unless I get a wonderful referral for something. Hopefully not though. Between now and Thursday, I'm hoping Mockingjay makes an appearance in the post, as I've almost finished Catching Fire and I NEED to know what happens next. Thursday night is the creative writing social, in which we get drunk with the lecturers at uni and then possibly raid the Jonty. And Friday night is party at ours, then Mosh, which I'm really looking forward to. And then I might go home for a couple of days this weekend. I need to pick up the voucher, and take all The Hunger Games books to Mum to read. Not fully decided yet, although I'm swaying towards going.

I should also probably finish my application to Oxford Brookes. Although at the minute, I'm wondering if it's worth it. My lecturers have been reluctant to reply to my requests of referees, so it's getting disheartening. Plus, my personal statement attempt was dire and I've had no time to polish it up just yet. Tomorrow might be the day. Then there's funding, which I keep pushing to the back of my mind. And I decided not to apply for creative writing, because it'd be pointless. I chose a creative enterprises course at Leeds Met, but I'm not sure I can go through the whole application process again, it's exhausting. Why can't it just be like UCAS where there was one personal statement for them all? Ugh. But yeah, I have a back up if this all fails anyway, a cheaper course that might be a little bit better for me at the minute.

Tonight I need to fill in my pre-counselling sheet and watch The Voice. If those three ever remove themselves from the living room...

fall to pieces, i'm falling.

So this week has been a bit of a whirlwind.

On Monday, we had a workshop session at Muffin Break. Me and Ben were there so very early, as usual. So we ate chocolate cheesecake to pass the time till Annie arrived. Followed by Sam and Alex. It was fairly productive. Then, we came home and carried on working, and watched Made in Chelsea. Tuesday we had lecture 1-4, but prior to that I had my wellbeing appointment (we'll get to that) at 11. So me and boyfriend chilled in uni for an hour or so after. Wednesday we had our final short fictions lecture with Moy, then came back and worked. Boyfriend came round last night, and we watched Saw - yes I manned up and watched a horror film. With my eyes covered and shrieking for most of the gory bits, mind. Then he's hung around this morning and watched some telly.

My wellbeing appointment was weird. I felt a bit nervous going in, but I know they're not there to judge and make assumptions. I didn't get chance to cover all that I wanted to. Most of it was focusing in on the Kim situation and how that has been affecting me and my insecurities. She suggested I have counselling, and I have decided I'm going to. So I'm going up to uni in a bit to try and sort that out.

In a way, it dragged up a lot of feelings I had forgotten and Tuesday night I felt really awful. I talked to Ben about it for ages, and did some of my reading report, but I felt really numb and empty. I couldn't focus on my work, and then Kim was causing facebook drama, so I got side tracked with that. Annie was texting me and Gary was bbm-ing and then my Mum rang and Rachel and Liz were texting me. It's nice to have support, but it didn't make me feel better. I had a shower and got into bed, and on Wednesday morning I woke up crying. I'm all over the place at the moment. It happened again this morning, I just burst into tears whilst we were eating breakfast.

It's for no reason too. I don't know if it's hormones or just the old feelings coming back and hitting me at random moments. But I want it to stop. I need to figure out my way through this, and counselling is probably the only way I'm going to manage that.

The rest of this week is going to be so dull. One week today we hand everything in and that's it. University is finished. On the 3rd, we have our final ever creative writing social. Then on the 4th Aden's organised a party at ours then on to Mosh. Cannot wait. I have missed the metal floor and cheap VS's far too much.

better sorry than safe.

This next week is going to be insane.

The week before hand in is always stressful. I'm quite on top of everything so far though. I did so much today, just banging out introductions and things left, right and centre. I have been putting some of the short fictions extras off for a couple of weeks now, just because they're dull to write. It's not difficult stuff left now, it's just all the boring process analysis's and editing. But I do enjoy editing a lot, so I'm not gonna complain. Recently, We Are The In Crowd has become my working music. Last week, I was sick of having my iTunes on shuffle and getting songs that were making me cry, so I went to youtube and listened to loads of bands I don't listen to anymore. Lots of We The Kings and A Rocket to the Moon. It worked, I got a lot done. So pop-punk has become the working genre.

I literally have two process analysis's to do, a few drafts to make up and a few bits to perfect. That is it. So work isn't so much of a stress anymore. I'm taking it as it comes and trying my hardest, although I'm not so hung up on the A's and B's anymore.

Tom and I went to see Jason on Thursday for some careers advice. The careers people at uni leave a lot to the imagination, so we hoped Jason would shed some light on matters for us. And he did, for once. He did advise us to go for postgrad study, which neither of us was very keen on, but Gary being the best boyfriend ever, linked me to a website that gave loads of different degrees in subject areas we wanted. So in short, I'm applying for a couple. The short list is publishing at Anglia Ruskin and Oxford Brookes (we'll get to that in a minute) and creative writing at either Cardiff Met or Hull. I've no funding, I'm literally just seeing if I can get in. I am gonna apply for funding and scholarships this week, but it's still hit and miss whether you'll get one. But yeah, we shall see.

Oxford Brookes. Yeah. Gary got a conditional offer for his tourism course. I was reluctant to apply at first. I told him last week about what I'd found, and the fact they're the centre of the publishing industry in the country and they have their own specialist school for it. I barely got through my explanations before he'd told me to apply. It's not about him. It's not about the fact he's applied and might end up going there. It's got to be about me and my future and what I want. Jason did advise us to apply for anything and everything. So I'm doing it. I probably won't even get a conditional since it's so competitive, but we won't find out till I try.

He's been the best this past week. I've been a bit wobbly. A bit distrusting of him. I thought he was doing something behind my back - not cheating, just something else I don't agree with - but I'm having second thoughts. I don't think he was. I don't know. But he's been ever so sweet about the whole wellbeing appointment. On Saturday morning I said he didn't have to come if he didn't have time or he didn't want to, and he cut me off completely and said he wanted to come and be there for me. He keeps doing this, saying the right thing when I need it most. I do love how in sync we are with one another. But at the same time, I don't want one of us to get in to Oxford. I think it'd change things too much if we both went there. He applied first and put up a Facebook status about his offer, so I'm avoiding doing the same. Only he and Ben know I'm applying and I'd rather keep it that way.

I am worried about the wellbeing appointment. I bought Glamour magazine at the train station yesterday and there was an interview with Frankie Sandford about her depression, then there's a whole article on depression and how to spot the signs. I have a few of the symptoms. So kinda worrying myself. I've always been a tad hypochondriac, so yeah. I thought about making a list of what I want to talk about, but I think it'd be a hindrance than a help. I kinda have it mapped out in my mind. Insecurities - fear of losing Gary - Kim and Annie and that whole situation - insecurities. It's all linked up. So it isn't too difficult to remember. I am scared of what I might say, but it needs to come out and I'd rather it be to a stranger than one of the guys or girls.

I do worry that I've gone back on myself. I feel bad for my Mum. Although she's been ever so nice since I told her what's been going on with my head. She told my Grandma, and this morning she said Grandma had a nervous breakdown when my Mum was little, so she knows how I feel. It upsets and comforts me that someone so close to me knows what I'm going through. I don't claim I'm having a nervous breakdown, but it's not good at the moment. Grandma rung me this morning to say she'd got me a nice bookmark. I cried. Over a bookmark. It's mental what's happening to me right now. I cry if someone's horrible, I cry if someone's nice. People can't win with me right now.

a letter to you.

Dear you,

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry for all the on/off shit I've been putting you through these past few months. Things were okay at first, and I know it's still good. It's just me right now. My pathetic insecurities have come creeping back. I'm paranoid and anxious and I can't sleep at night. I miss you when we're apart, but I can't stand it when we're together. It's conflicting, because I like you, of course I do, but little things right now are bugging me and I don't know how to deal with it.

It all started before the first test. I was in bed, trying to sleep. We were bbm-ing each other, and you kept saying it'll be okay. I was terrified. I've never been that scared before, and it was awful. Then, just as the tears started, you said you were going to bed. I wasn't done talking. I needed you that night, and instead, you just went to bed. I went to Kim's room and sat and cried on her for an hour.

After that, came the second test. I wasn't as scared. Still, pretty worried, but I knew what to expect. The nurse was nicer than the first one. She told you we seemed comfortable with one another and was shocked that we hadn't been together longer.

I needed you throughout the Annie/Kim drama. They dragged me into the middle and it was hell. It still is sometimes. You kept telling me to tell them to fuck off. It's not that simple though, is it? You never understood how severe it was, how many sleepless nights I had because of those two. You just didn't get it and you still don't.

I feel like sometimes I support you more than you support me. I've been there for you throughout your dissertation. I was there on hand in day. I spent night after night with you, telling you that you could do it. I read through it to highlight any mistakes. All 12,000 words. You were in Morocco when I was doing mine. Not your fault, but you could've helped me out when you got back. Instead, you did Annie's for her.

I cried during those ballads at You Me At Six because I wanted you there with me. The insecurities were just starting over and I needed you to hold my hand and promise you'd be there. And you weren't bbm-ing me back.

A few weeks ago, the thought of losing you made my chest ache. It felt like agony. Now, I just feel numb. I think I've accepted the fact that come July, we're through. Sometimes my insecurities win and I fear I'm just a girlfriend of convenience. Then you say you really really care about me and those fears wash away. But now, I'm scared. I'm scared that he's going to change you from my lovely boyfriend into someone like him. I need you at this presentation party. It's three hours, and I'm sure it won't kill you. I just really need you there for support. Please don't change. Please, please don't. I don't understand this and I don't know why you haven't told me yourself, but please don't become him. Please.

Despite all the issues, I like you. Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to create problems so it'll be easier to walk away when the time comes. I probably am. My internal defense mechanisms work in mysterious ways.

You comfort me, you take care of me, you buy me cheesy dippers, you go swimming with me, we have fun together, we have lots of inside jokes, you make me laugh, you make me feel good, you stay up with me when I'm upset, you let me fall asleep on you when we watch films, you let me play on your games and don't laugh cos I'm crap, you make me believe I can actually do this, you listen to me whine and talk about my nightmares, you cuddle me when I have one and comfort me after. Sometimes I feel like I really need and depend on you, that's dying out now.

I'm sorry for all the shit. I like you. Please, don't hurt me.

Love me.

i'm not losing sleep over you.

Dublin happened. It was okay. Had a few laughs. The bust up on Friday night wasn't brilliant. But, it wouldn't be a family holiday without at least one blazing argument. I've eaten enough burgers to last a lifetime, but I didn't drink much. Which is odd for me. But when it's 6.60 in euros for a smirn off ice, it's a bit off putting.

So, this morning and last night, I didn't really want to come back. I'm scared that now I'm back, I've got to face up to all the things I've been running away from.

Me and Kim are seeing the wellbeing people this week. Neither of us are coping very well at the moment, and she's seen them before in first year and apparently they're helpful enough. It'd just be nice to speak to someone who won't judge and who isn't going to go and tell everyone else. I think a lot more things than just woes about work will come out. I do fear they'll think there's something wrong with me, but it's a chance I'm just gonna have to take. I need to see someone professional because I'm coping horrendously at the moment.

Work is okay. My main worry is creative practice. Last year, I got an A. This year, I'll be lucky if I get a C. My inspiration levels have dropped drastically and I have no motivation. I've been using the time to do all my little bits for short fictions. I've also pretty much done my focus 3 article. Creative practice is really worrying me, and I'm pulling life writing out of my arse just for a chance at getting a decent grade. I genuinely don't know what I'm doing right now.

So I had to turn off all my phone connections, and I switched them back on at the baggage carousel in Manchester Airport earlier to a text from our landlady telling me she'd got my rent (thank god!) and a bbm from Gary. It basically read 'I need you back, I want to have long hot sex with you and fall asleep with you in my arms. Hurry back to me'. Granted, he probably was drunk. But, it's just, I've been thinking for the past couple of days and part of me has already let him go. He's been applying for jobs everywhere and he seems to have his heart set on Oxford Brookes uni at the moment. Despite the fact he can't afford a masters. I don't know. I have missed him, it's just gotten easier the longer it's been. Maybe that's the way heartbreak works.

I kind of feel a bit more positive. Had a little cry when I got home. Mainly because Gary's been ever so sweet about the whole wellbeing/therapists thing. He's offered to come along with me and be the best boyfriend ever, as per usual.

The next three weeks are going to be tough. But I think I can do it.