Friday 30 July 2010
word vomit.
time flies. it's passing by at the speed of light. grab every precious second of it and cling on for dear life. one year, two, three, four. changes. people slipping and sliding in and out of my life. i have one constant in this ever changing world. flaky friends who flit in and out. life is like a revolving door. it's never the same. even though it feels like it. different faces with different names. clothes, shoes, places, people, transport. i feel old, but i'm young. i drink like an alcoholic and never get a hangover. i don't listen but work out instructions for myself. i'm good with physical directions, but have no idea where i'm headed. the world makes me angry. i think i know best, but i probably don't. i like a bass line echoing around my rib cage, but i'm scared of going deaf. i want to leave, but sheffield has my heart. i want to love and be loved back. i'm sick of one way streets. i want more, but these invisible barriers are holding me back. say yes, not no. my head is a nice place to live, shame it's not up for sale. i think it's original, then read a book that's pretty much what i just wrote. i want to love myself, but i can't help the hatred. putting on a mask every day. make up. false confidence. talking like i'm so sure of myself. but i'm not. trying not to hate on first impressions, it's a waste of time. wanting to know people, but scared that i won't like them if i do. going to make it on my own, but far too dependant on them. dreaming of the day i can buy the macbook & designer handbag, but knowing it'll never happen. scared that in two/three years i'll still be non the wiser. don't shut me out of the loop, i want to bt in the centre of it. getting what i want, then changing my mind. it changes as much as the world revolves on it's axis. always.
Sunday 25 July 2010
19 ain't so different....
Last night was such a good laugh. 19th kicked my 18th scrawny, shitty behind.
24th July 2009, I was close with a girl who's done me more harm than good. Mentally. Constant put downs do that to a person's already shattered self esteem. Fast forward to 2010, where I've been pulled into a new friendship group. These are much more positive people and I want to be around them, I look forward to going out and love that it's not always down to me to arrange things. With her, it always was. I invited her this year, and she claimed to have 'family shit' going down. If I'm honest, I'm glad she didn't come. I didn't want to endure the shitty clubs she so enjoys and have to listen to her bitch about the girls that have been there for me for the past six or so months.
24th July 2010 started at Yates with no awkward silences and tension in the air. We sat around a table and laughed and joked and drank a lot. Alicia brought her boyfriend, who's ended up with a stamp of approval because he's lovely. Everyone was happy, especially when the pitchers of purple rain appeared, and all the daft pictures really show it. I caught up with a few people from school in Babylon and drank silly amounts of doubles and cocktails. Granted, we had the half hour drama at the end of the night when William lost his jacket and some guy tried it on with Liz. It's safe to say we found the jacket and had a few tears but it's nothing a kebab couldn't sort out.
I can honestly say, everyone asked me if I'd had a good birthday, and every time I answered with a 'yeah'. Not a half arsed lie, a genuine truth.
Nineteen sounded way older than eighteen. I thought I wouldn't be able to act as daft as I did. But I can. I'm still a teenager. Old enough to be taken seriously, and young enough to get away with acting like an idiot and doing stupid things. It sounds so deep for a birthday, but I think getting a year older is going to teach me something. I'm starting to shed the people I don't need in life and I think nineteen is going to be the year to do that, cut all those ties for good and move on.
Eighteen treated me pretty well, but I think nineteen's going to do one better.
24th July 2009, I was close with a girl who's done me more harm than good. Mentally. Constant put downs do that to a person's already shattered self esteem. Fast forward to 2010, where I've been pulled into a new friendship group. These are much more positive people and I want to be around them, I look forward to going out and love that it's not always down to me to arrange things. With her, it always was. I invited her this year, and she claimed to have 'family shit' going down. If I'm honest, I'm glad she didn't come. I didn't want to endure the shitty clubs she so enjoys and have to listen to her bitch about the girls that have been there for me for the past six or so months.
24th July 2010 started at Yates with no awkward silences and tension in the air. We sat around a table and laughed and joked and drank a lot. Alicia brought her boyfriend, who's ended up with a stamp of approval because he's lovely. Everyone was happy, especially when the pitchers of purple rain appeared, and all the daft pictures really show it. I caught up with a few people from school in Babylon and drank silly amounts of doubles and cocktails. Granted, we had the half hour drama at the end of the night when William lost his jacket and some guy tried it on with Liz. It's safe to say we found the jacket and had a few tears but it's nothing a kebab couldn't sort out.
I can honestly say, everyone asked me if I'd had a good birthday, and every time I answered with a 'yeah'. Not a half arsed lie, a genuine truth.
Nineteen sounded way older than eighteen. I thought I wouldn't be able to act as daft as I did. But I can. I'm still a teenager. Old enough to be taken seriously, and young enough to get away with acting like an idiot and doing stupid things. It sounds so deep for a birthday, but I think getting a year older is going to teach me something. I'm starting to shed the people I don't need in life and I think nineteen is going to be the year to do that, cut all those ties for good and move on.
Eighteen treated me pretty well, but I think nineteen's going to do one better.
Wednesday 21 July 2010
Even if the sun sets, I will start a fire.
I'm happy but I'm unhappy at the moment.
I've been so sure of myself for so long. I know I'm doing the right thing by moving back home properly for the year ahead. If I went back to halls I'd be plagued by bad thoughts. It's risky business. This past year I was lucky to live with four really decent people. Of course after Christmas all those friendships we built up broke down, I drifted away from two of them, one was kicked out and I was pushed towards the fourth because of this. I found myself crying myself to sleep more often in that second semester and having to walk around with a weight on my shoulders. I know that commuting will be a pain in the arse. I've thought of it all. I've weighed up the pros and cons. I'm sorry, Derby, but Sheffield kicks your arse in pretty much every corner. It's my mum's doubts and worries. She passes it on to me and I've found myself accessing the university website and being so close to clicking on the link to apply for halls once again. I know if I found it difficult, I could go back. God knows where they'd put me - Lonsdale or Laverstoke, I guess, but I wouldn't really care.
University has it's good aspects and it's bad one's. In the very beginning, I caught 'freshers flu' and slept for the best part of two days. I missed one lecture. The lecture where everyone seemed to establish their friendships. When I returned for the next one, everyone seemed to be grouped up. There's a few other outsiders, but they seem to cope just fine sitting by themselves and rarely striking up conversation with anyone else. I found it difficult at first. I couldn't understand why no one seemed to want to speak to me. I used to be in the big groups at college. The one's always making a rackett and laughing in the middle of mock exams. It was a shock to the system to suddenly be on the outside looking in. But I dealt with it. I took books to class and read before the lecturers started up. The beauty of having no friends made it easier for me to present my work and not care what anyone else thought, but at the same time, it made it harder on me when class douche bag, Calder, ripped my presentation to pieces in a really rude and nasty way. I've grown numb to my single honours peers. Joint honours are a different story, they're less competitive, and much more approachable people.
Since leaving I've decided that I'm no longer there to be everyone's friend. I'm nice to people when they speak to me and I allow myself to comment on other people's work if it's positive. But why bother trying to include myself if the more I push, the more everyone else pulls away? If I'm honest, there's only a handful of people in the class that I think I could be friends with. Everyone else shows their true colours when ripping into other's work and leaving that persons confidence in tatters.
Honestly, I only want to focus on getting what I need to get. I need a first or a 2.1 to even go on to do a masters. And then I can come back to Sheffield, and leave all the angst behind and have fun with my friends here. They're the one's pulling me through at the moment.
I've been so sure of myself for so long. I know I'm doing the right thing by moving back home properly for the year ahead. If I went back to halls I'd be plagued by bad thoughts. It's risky business. This past year I was lucky to live with four really decent people. Of course after Christmas all those friendships we built up broke down, I drifted away from two of them, one was kicked out and I was pushed towards the fourth because of this. I found myself crying myself to sleep more often in that second semester and having to walk around with a weight on my shoulders. I know that commuting will be a pain in the arse. I've thought of it all. I've weighed up the pros and cons. I'm sorry, Derby, but Sheffield kicks your arse in pretty much every corner. It's my mum's doubts and worries. She passes it on to me and I've found myself accessing the university website and being so close to clicking on the link to apply for halls once again. I know if I found it difficult, I could go back. God knows where they'd put me - Lonsdale or Laverstoke, I guess, but I wouldn't really care.
University has it's good aspects and it's bad one's. In the very beginning, I caught 'freshers flu' and slept for the best part of two days. I missed one lecture. The lecture where everyone seemed to establish their friendships. When I returned for the next one, everyone seemed to be grouped up. There's a few other outsiders, but they seem to cope just fine sitting by themselves and rarely striking up conversation with anyone else. I found it difficult at first. I couldn't understand why no one seemed to want to speak to me. I used to be in the big groups at college. The one's always making a rackett and laughing in the middle of mock exams. It was a shock to the system to suddenly be on the outside looking in. But I dealt with it. I took books to class and read before the lecturers started up. The beauty of having no friends made it easier for me to present my work and not care what anyone else thought, but at the same time, it made it harder on me when class douche bag, Calder, ripped my presentation to pieces in a really rude and nasty way. I've grown numb to my single honours peers. Joint honours are a different story, they're less competitive, and much more approachable people.
Since leaving I've decided that I'm no longer there to be everyone's friend. I'm nice to people when they speak to me and I allow myself to comment on other people's work if it's positive. But why bother trying to include myself if the more I push, the more everyone else pulls away? If I'm honest, there's only a handful of people in the class that I think I could be friends with. Everyone else shows their true colours when ripping into other's work and leaving that persons confidence in tatters.
Honestly, I only want to focus on getting what I need to get. I need a first or a 2.1 to even go on to do a masters. And then I can come back to Sheffield, and leave all the angst behind and have fun with my friends here. They're the one's pulling me through at the moment.
Thursday 15 July 2010
Stranger I know so well.
Introductions, introductions.
I'm Laura. 18 (but just nine days off 19) year old from Sheffield, UK. I'm stumbling through my life, changing my mind at every corner I come across. My indecisiveness is a trait most people find highly irritating, myself included. I'm currently a student at the University of Derby studying creative writing. In my head, I'm going to have the same success as JK Rowling and Stephenie Meyer, but reality tells me I'm better off heading for a publishing house or doing my masters and becoming a university lecturer. I'm undecided, surprisingly.
At the moment, life's consisting of spending the remainder of my student loan, reading the books I bought months ago and never got round to reading, buying more books to add to that pile and cancelling out the fact that come September I'll no longer be able to read whatever I want when those ever exciting course books take over my life, getting far too involved with Big Brother and The Hills, drinking one too many cocktails in Babylon with my friends, and finding new music to play to death.
This is going to be my outlet for my ramblings. Whether it's bitching about how much I can't stand so and so, or just informing the world about my distant friends latest body piercing - seriously she's mental for having that pierced - it's all going to go on here. I'm not bothered if strangers read it, at some point I'd probably want people I know to read it and give them a wakeup call to how I truly feel, but until I grow the balls to do such a thing, it'll go on here, under lock and key of my supposedly 'strong' password. So let my bitching commence.
I'm Laura. 18 (but just nine days off 19) year old from Sheffield, UK. I'm stumbling through my life, changing my mind at every corner I come across. My indecisiveness is a trait most people find highly irritating, myself included. I'm currently a student at the University of Derby studying creative writing. In my head, I'm going to have the same success as JK Rowling and Stephenie Meyer, but reality tells me I'm better off heading for a publishing house or doing my masters and becoming a university lecturer. I'm undecided, surprisingly.
At the moment, life's consisting of spending the remainder of my student loan, reading the books I bought months ago and never got round to reading, buying more books to add to that pile and cancelling out the fact that come September I'll no longer be able to read whatever I want when those ever exciting course books take over my life, getting far too involved with Big Brother and The Hills, drinking one too many cocktails in Babylon with my friends, and finding new music to play to death.
This is going to be my outlet for my ramblings. Whether it's bitching about how much I can't stand so and so, or just informing the world about my distant friends latest body piercing - seriously she's mental for having that pierced - it's all going to go on here. I'm not bothered if strangers read it, at some point I'd probably want people I know to read it and give them a wakeup call to how I truly feel, but until I grow the balls to do such a thing, it'll go on here, under lock and key of my supposedly 'strong' password. So let my bitching commence.
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