My emotions have been so up and down, it's getting irritating now.
I stayed with Gary on Sunday night, after we'd been to Pizza Express for his birthday and run into Jobie (he's stalking me...) and we had a really nice night, and I do like waking up with him in a morning. He had to be up early to clean the house for a viewing before his lecture. And so I stayed in bed, playing Brain Training, getting frustrated because I seem to be stuck on a C+ grade. And he had Frank Turner on, and I just burst into tears. It wasn't even a sad song. I hid under the covers and calmed down quickly, but all the way home I wanted to cry. Then I got back, and everyone was still in bed, so I went on my laptop for a while and I had an email off my best friend from school, Melissa. Who I haven't spoken to since I moved to Derby, and I just cried for about half an hour straight.
I don't know what it is. Yesterday night I went to stay at Gary's again instead of going to the quiz (not that anyone else went anyway), and I sat and read The Outsiders and started Imperial Bedrooms on his Kindle. And it was an alright night. We had a giggle after he'd finished his essay, and we ordered garlic bread and cheesy dippers from Letz Eat. Sam and Sam were being nice, so I didn't feel uneasy around them. And then, this morning I've just woken up and felt crap again. I cried saying bye to him this morning because I dreaded going to uni and seeing everyone.
Thing is, last semester when things were horrendous between me and Kim, I had a lot of nightmares and anxiety and stomach aches and stuff. And the nightmares started again on Monday night. I think it's happening again. I'm so scared of what's happening and what will happen. Walking on egg shells around her because she knows so much about me that I'd rather not have everyone else know. I know Gary's probably sick of hearing it, god, I am, and I'm living through it. So I try and hold a lot of it in when I'm around him. I don't want to ruin our time together by being bitter and upset.
I calmed down quickly and went on to lecture. Moy (ever the fabulous lecturer) greeted me in such a nice fashion, I felt every fear I'd had go away and I gave her my portfolio statement and got on with things. With Annie being gone, we've teamed up with another group of our friends. Big mistake. Kim did absolutely fuck all, and the feedback I did get from her was useless. I worked so hard on giving Zak decent feedback, and then spent the rest of the time re-writing one of my stories.
It just infuriates me. I need to get A-'s at least in everything this year, to pull up my average from what will most likely be, a terrible independent study grade (aiming for a C, but I'm not counting on it) and last year's focus 2 D- referral grade. I don't see why I should suffer in the long run because she can't be bothered to workshop my writing. But at the same time, I'm scared to say anything too drastic because of the repercussions.
I refuse to be made out to be the villain in all this.
Wednesday 22 February 2012
Saturday 18 February 2012
try to keep your head above water.
So many mixed emotions these past couple of weeks. Relief, anxiety, hatred, nervous, content, happy, upset, angry.
Finally got to see Young Guns last week after almost not being able to go as my sister left it really late to get tickets. Fortunately, we tracked a pair down on the Corporation website. They were incredible. It was in the smaller room at the Corp, which I've only ever been to when it's half empty, so I've been able to get on the platform to see the stage. This time was a sell out, so I had to try and perv over Gustav from behind the ridiculously placed pillars. Learn My Lesson was definitely a highlight and I'm obsessed with them all over again. Which is a good thing as me and Gary will be seeing them in roughly a month with Enter Shikari. Eep.
I feel like I've lost a friend right now. Kim's being anything but pleasant to myself and Ben over the past few months. Last week I got really upset and Gary was being a typical boy, burying his head in the sand and so I went to Kim and cried to her about everything. As far as I'm aware, she's not told anyone. But Annie said a few things last week that made me think maybe she has. But hopefully, if she has, it won't go any further than those two. That aside, it was almost like things were back to normal. Then we ended up going to our short fictions lecturer about her this past week. Kim's been 'disrespecting' our work, as Moy puts it. She tries to distract us during workshopping and laughs at unfunny pieces. My portfolio theme is loss and absence and there's a lot of death in it, and I'm scared to give her my stories. And it shouldn't be like that. So now Moy's onto her and so will the heads of third year. Next week will be a dramatic one on the uni front.
Gary's birthday night out last night. I've never felt so content. Not for a while anyway. Sitting in The Friary with (mostly) good people. It was a good laugh. Sam got drunk on a £7 bottle of wine, drinking it from a pint glass because he's a classy git. Dancing with Annie across the table. Jayde throwing herself onto Sam. And taking the piss out of everyone. Gary was happy, which was nice to see since he stresses himself out so much about everything. Mosh was okay. Got hit in the face during a mosh pit which wasn't nice and some randomer decided to feel me up whilst I was kissing Gary, so I kicked him. Jesus and Jobie were their usual hilarious selves. Nice to see the metal floor playlist hasn't changed though, Avenged Sevenfold, Killswitch Engage, System of a Down, ohhh you know what to expect on that floor.
I'm starting to feel like I'm feeling too strongly for him. I don't love him. I like him a lot. I'd do a lot for him. He makes me happy. And I always want to cry when he gets all sentimental and slushy with me. He did last night. And I nearly burst into tears. Happy ones, mind. But still. I'm so used to guys messing me around and playing mind games. He's so honest and open with me. I trust him with so much. But I had a massive wall up around me this time last year and now I don't. I'm so vulnerable with him, and he knows it and sometimes I'm scared of what he'll do what that knowledge. I have to keep reminding myself that we've been involved with each other for almost six months, and for almost four of that we've been 'officially' boyfriend and girlfriend. If he was going to suddenly become a wanker, he'd have done that already.
It's been four years today since my grandad died. I only remembered at 8AM. I was awake whilst Gary slept through his drunkenness. I just laid in bed and cried. I don't know how I felt about it. Because eventually I went back to sleep and woke up feeling fine. Too many emotions running through me at the moment. I keep going from one extreme to the next. But I hide it well.
So this week I have Gary's actual birthday tomorrow (22, so old) and we're going to Pizza Express tomorrow night because last time we went on a date there last month, it was really cute and we had such a nice night. Then I have zero lectures. Only Tuesday, we have some talk in creative practice. Then we've arranged to do some workshopping on Wednesday. And going home Friday for Theory of a Deadman in Manchester, I'm so looking forward to seeing them again. And hoping they play Hurricane this time, since their set will be longer than half an hour. So yeah. Mixed times ahead too.
Finally got to see Young Guns last week after almost not being able to go as my sister left it really late to get tickets. Fortunately, we tracked a pair down on the Corporation website. They were incredible. It was in the smaller room at the Corp, which I've only ever been to when it's half empty, so I've been able to get on the platform to see the stage. This time was a sell out, so I had to try and perv over Gustav from behind the ridiculously placed pillars. Learn My Lesson was definitely a highlight and I'm obsessed with them all over again. Which is a good thing as me and Gary will be seeing them in roughly a month with Enter Shikari. Eep.
I feel like I've lost a friend right now. Kim's being anything but pleasant to myself and Ben over the past few months. Last week I got really upset and Gary was being a typical boy, burying his head in the sand and so I went to Kim and cried to her about everything. As far as I'm aware, she's not told anyone. But Annie said a few things last week that made me think maybe she has. But hopefully, if she has, it won't go any further than those two. That aside, it was almost like things were back to normal. Then we ended up going to our short fictions lecturer about her this past week. Kim's been 'disrespecting' our work, as Moy puts it. She tries to distract us during workshopping and laughs at unfunny pieces. My portfolio theme is loss and absence and there's a lot of death in it, and I'm scared to give her my stories. And it shouldn't be like that. So now Moy's onto her and so will the heads of third year. Next week will be a dramatic one on the uni front.
Gary's birthday night out last night. I've never felt so content. Not for a while anyway. Sitting in The Friary with (mostly) good people. It was a good laugh. Sam got drunk on a £7 bottle of wine, drinking it from a pint glass because he's a classy git. Dancing with Annie across the table. Jayde throwing herself onto Sam. And taking the piss out of everyone. Gary was happy, which was nice to see since he stresses himself out so much about everything. Mosh was okay. Got hit in the face during a mosh pit which wasn't nice and some randomer decided to feel me up whilst I was kissing Gary, so I kicked him. Jesus and Jobie were their usual hilarious selves. Nice to see the metal floor playlist hasn't changed though, Avenged Sevenfold, Killswitch Engage, System of a Down, ohhh you know what to expect on that floor.
I'm starting to feel like I'm feeling too strongly for him. I don't love him. I like him a lot. I'd do a lot for him. He makes me happy. And I always want to cry when he gets all sentimental and slushy with me. He did last night. And I nearly burst into tears. Happy ones, mind. But still. I'm so used to guys messing me around and playing mind games. He's so honest and open with me. I trust him with so much. But I had a massive wall up around me this time last year and now I don't. I'm so vulnerable with him, and he knows it and sometimes I'm scared of what he'll do what that knowledge. I have to keep reminding myself that we've been involved with each other for almost six months, and for almost four of that we've been 'officially' boyfriend and girlfriend. If he was going to suddenly become a wanker, he'd have done that already.
It's been four years today since my grandad died. I only remembered at 8AM. I was awake whilst Gary slept through his drunkenness. I just laid in bed and cried. I don't know how I felt about it. Because eventually I went back to sleep and woke up feeling fine. Too many emotions running through me at the moment. I keep going from one extreme to the next. But I hide it well.
So this week I have Gary's actual birthday tomorrow (22, so old) and we're going to Pizza Express tomorrow night because last time we went on a date there last month, it was really cute and we had such a nice night. Then I have zero lectures. Only Tuesday, we have some talk in creative practice. Then we've arranged to do some workshopping on Wednesday. And going home Friday for Theory of a Deadman in Manchester, I'm so looking forward to seeing them again. And hoping they play Hurricane this time, since their set will be longer than half an hour. So yeah. Mixed times ahead too.
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