Strange week.
The formal social on Friday was bound to be a bittersweet affair. Alex left to move back to Bournemouth on Saturday, so Friday was his last night and the last time we're going to see him until graduation. During the bit at university, I stuck with Gary, Annie, Haydn, Rachel and Liam. So it was us three girls and our boyfriends. Some of whom aren't as nice as others. Looking at you, Liam. It was a really nice evening. Moy made a little speech and teared up. Ben read out a flash fiction and Alex explained the concept behind his box which he handed in. It was lovely meeting his parents. And drinking as much free wine as Adrian and Moy would pour for us. Then we went to the Jonty. Had a giggle with Jesus and Ben. Told Tom everything and tried not to cry when Alex said goodbye. Drunk Moy was hilarious how she was horrified by Gary's stretcher in his ear. It was a fitting end, and it was all really nice. We ended up back at our house with fifteen cheesy dippers and lots to talk about.
Alton Towers was disastrous for about half an hour. Everyone dropped out an hour before we were due to meet. So we pulled some strings, figured it out, made a plan and it ended up that Kim went with her parents and me, Ben and Tom went together. And it was fucking brilliant. It honestly couldn't have been a better day. I love those two and the conversations we have. There was no tension, because as Tom put it 'it's nice, because, you know, we all like each other'. Lots of inside jokes, especially Tom's first ride on Hex. And Squirrel Nutty being the highlight of the day. We managed to get on Oblivion, Thirteen, Nemesis, Nemesis Sub Terra, Duel and Hex, and we went round the aquarium. Queues weren't too horrific, I think the longest we waited was for Sub Terra, and sorely regretted it as it wasn't brilliant. The photo's were hilarious. It was such a good day, and in the end, it turned out for the best that it was just us three.
Since then, I've not really done much. Spent time with people. Annie and Rachel came round on Monday to watch girly films and eat our body weight in cheese puffs, popcorn and chocolate. I had counselling on Tuesday morning, and Rik was really nice. Unfortunately, so I could be seen quicker, I'm not able to see him for the next three weeks, so I have a woman called Billie. Although she'll have all the details, so I'm hoping it'll help. Yesterday I spent the day with Annie after having my eyeforpharma interview. I aced it, and was sent a writing assessment so they can get the style of my writing and see if it's suitable for the site. Hopefully it will be since it's £30 per published article and I'll be doing two per week. So yeah, me and Annie bought make up and had a lengthy chat about everything. Then last night Aden invited Tom and Emma round to watch films and drink. Kim made everything so awkward. Fortunately, she's gone to Alton Towers again with her other friends, and by the time she gets back I'll be getting fat in TGI Friday's with Gary.
I'm feeling a bit more positive. Of course there is some underlying sadness. The other day I went to Gary's and set Spyro up on his computer, and noticed a little date written on his whiteboard with nothing next to it. I could only assume it was the date of his departure. Ended up in tears once again, because in all honesty, I didn't want to know. Fortunately, he's gained an extra week, due to the original date making him leave before results day. But it's still painful to think about. I'm trying to disconnect myself from him slightly, but it's not working. I doubt it ever will.
This next week is a busy one. Tonight is TGI's date with Gary to celebrate his university ending today after his climate exam. My sister also did her first exam today in sociology and apparently it went well. Very pleased for them both! This weekend I'll probably spend it at Gary's. Monday night is Jesus's birthday shin dig, Monday Mosh, should be good. Tuesday is the quiz at the Jonty, because we're missing it, and we want to do it whilst people are still around. Wednesday Aden has organised a murder mystery dinner. He's cooking, eek! And it's Egyptian themed. It should be a good laugh. Then who knows beyond that. Hopefully spend some time with other people too. A few of them are heading down to London for Expo next Friday for the weekend and after that I'm home for a few days for Mum's birthday and Rhod Gilbert. Lots of stuff coming up!
Thursday 17 May 2012
Friday 11 May 2012
better days are far behind me.
I feel like a lot has happened.
I went home and finished Mockingjay. Have to say, I'm very disappointed with the ending. The whole book wasn't as good as the previous two. But that's generally the way it goes in a series. There's always a weak link. Part of the reason why I try and avoid series style stories.
Gary and I had the long awaited talk. The one which determines what the hell we were going to do once this year is over. And long story short, we decided to break up. I kind of knew this would be the case. Way back in January, we had a similar conversation and he said long distance wasn't an option for him. It'd hurt and it wouldn't be fair to either of us. We're so used to only going a couple of days without seeing each other, and months and months would be too painful. Over the past few months I have thought he'd changed his mind. I kind of hoped he would. Back in January he was so blunt about it, and it really hurt me. I thought I wasn't enough for him to want to go through with it. I realise now, that isn't the case. I'm more than enough for him, he just doesn't want to go through that pain again and I can't blame him for looking out for himself. I've been doing the same since we had the dreaded talk.
I cried really hard. I haven't cried that much for a month or so now. It was horrible. And afterwards I felt numb and empty. He stayed at our house that night and dragged me round to Godfather's to buy pizza and cheesy dippers. Then we watched Saw 3. Things felt really different and horrible and it wasn't right. Then we spent all day yesterday together and we went to his house. I started playing on Spyro and got really frustrated when I couldn't do something. In the end, I burst into tears and we talked more. He cried. It's the first time I've seen him show any kind of emotion about this whole situation, and it sounds awful, but I felt better for it. It was agony to see him cry, but at the same time, I'm glad he's shown some sort of emotion. I trust that he was upset, but it really all came out last night. It was horrible. The whole situation is awful. I keep going over in my mind, that Adele quote when she says she had to accept the fact she'd met the love of her life at the wrong time. I think this is similar. Maybe not quite love, but I like this boy, more than anyone before him and possibly more than anyone after him. It feels so unfair that I have this wonderful person, who I want and need and he's slipping away.
The worst part, according to him, is the fact that we don't hate each other. There's no bitterness. Neither of us want to break up, but the alternative isn't plain sailing. He gave me a glimmer of hope for a few months time, but I don't want to set my heart on it. I know how fickle people can be. I get that it'll take some time to get over, it's just not nice not knowing how long. I don't want to feel like this for days never mind months or years. He said last night it'll take him a damn sight longer than the summer to get over me. I think I'm the same. I'll just go numb, stop listening to the music we listen to because it hurts too much.
But, we're still going to be friends. We agree the most painful thing when we're apart is an inability to talk to one another. So, yeah. I think it's possible. We won't see each other, it'll literally just be bbm's. It's going to be the hardest thing walking away from this boy and this wonderful relationship we have, but it's the only option.
In other more happier news. I found my MA. Music management at the University of Sheffield. Applying this weekend, and then need to find funding. But yes, that's what I want to do. I want to work in the music industry, not as an artist as I don't have the talent for it, but in that sector. I hope to god I get on, because any more rejections won't be good for my mental health right now. But over the summer I'm also going to do a year's publishing and editing course, which you do from home. So I will also have that to keep my occupied.
This week I feel like I've learned a lot. The walls have gone back up. I had a second helix piercing. We have our final farewell at university tonight, then cokes in the Jonty and a good portion of cheesy dippers from Letz Eat, then tomorrow is Alton Towers. There's lots to look forward to, but at the same time I can't squash the feelings of dread building up.
Counsellor Rik will have a tough job on his hands next Tuesday.
I went home and finished Mockingjay. Have to say, I'm very disappointed with the ending. The whole book wasn't as good as the previous two. But that's generally the way it goes in a series. There's always a weak link. Part of the reason why I try and avoid series style stories.
Gary and I had the long awaited talk. The one which determines what the hell we were going to do once this year is over. And long story short, we decided to break up. I kind of knew this would be the case. Way back in January, we had a similar conversation and he said long distance wasn't an option for him. It'd hurt and it wouldn't be fair to either of us. We're so used to only going a couple of days without seeing each other, and months and months would be too painful. Over the past few months I have thought he'd changed his mind. I kind of hoped he would. Back in January he was so blunt about it, and it really hurt me. I thought I wasn't enough for him to want to go through with it. I realise now, that isn't the case. I'm more than enough for him, he just doesn't want to go through that pain again and I can't blame him for looking out for himself. I've been doing the same since we had the dreaded talk.
I cried really hard. I haven't cried that much for a month or so now. It was horrible. And afterwards I felt numb and empty. He stayed at our house that night and dragged me round to Godfather's to buy pizza and cheesy dippers. Then we watched Saw 3. Things felt really different and horrible and it wasn't right. Then we spent all day yesterday together and we went to his house. I started playing on Spyro and got really frustrated when I couldn't do something. In the end, I burst into tears and we talked more. He cried. It's the first time I've seen him show any kind of emotion about this whole situation, and it sounds awful, but I felt better for it. It was agony to see him cry, but at the same time, I'm glad he's shown some sort of emotion. I trust that he was upset, but it really all came out last night. It was horrible. The whole situation is awful. I keep going over in my mind, that Adele quote when she says she had to accept the fact she'd met the love of her life at the wrong time. I think this is similar. Maybe not quite love, but I like this boy, more than anyone before him and possibly more than anyone after him. It feels so unfair that I have this wonderful person, who I want and need and he's slipping away.
The worst part, according to him, is the fact that we don't hate each other. There's no bitterness. Neither of us want to break up, but the alternative isn't plain sailing. He gave me a glimmer of hope for a few months time, but I don't want to set my heart on it. I know how fickle people can be. I get that it'll take some time to get over, it's just not nice not knowing how long. I don't want to feel like this for days never mind months or years. He said last night it'll take him a damn sight longer than the summer to get over me. I think I'm the same. I'll just go numb, stop listening to the music we listen to because it hurts too much.
But, we're still going to be friends. We agree the most painful thing when we're apart is an inability to talk to one another. So, yeah. I think it's possible. We won't see each other, it'll literally just be bbm's. It's going to be the hardest thing walking away from this boy and this wonderful relationship we have, but it's the only option.
In other more happier news. I found my MA. Music management at the University of Sheffield. Applying this weekend, and then need to find funding. But yes, that's what I want to do. I want to work in the music industry, not as an artist as I don't have the talent for it, but in that sector. I hope to god I get on, because any more rejections won't be good for my mental health right now. But over the summer I'm also going to do a year's publishing and editing course, which you do from home. So I will also have that to keep my occupied.
This week I feel like I've learned a lot. The walls have gone back up. I had a second helix piercing. We have our final farewell at university tonight, then cokes in the Jonty and a good portion of cheesy dippers from Letz Eat, then tomorrow is Alton Towers. There's lots to look forward to, but at the same time I can't squash the feelings of dread building up.
Counsellor Rik will have a tough job on his hands next Tuesday.
Tuesday 1 May 2012
and it always ends the same.
So my university portfolios are currently sitting on my bedroom floor, printed, formatted, paginated, sorted into their folders with title sheets and contents tables. Handing in tomorrow. The day before official hand in. Terrifying.
It feels really weird now. Everyone keeps saying it's over, but really, it isn't. Most of us are sticking around till the end of June/beginning of July. So we've got another two months to go. But yeah, university's over, lectures are, but it feels more like the start of something new. I am scared, of course. All my life I've gone from education establishment to education establishment and I've always known where I'd end up. Now, I have no idea. Tonight I'm sending off my application to Oxford Brookes. I have no funding, but we'll see what happens. I'm also applying for an editoral internship, where you work from home. It's for a beauty and fashion website. Hopefully I'll get it. I want something to occupy my time.
Last night was horrid. I was in the middle of printing and I started panicking. My hands and legs were shaking, I didn't know what was happening. I felt like crying as well. So Ben, being the wonderful friend that he is, suggested going for a long walk. And my, did we walk. We went all the way up the main road, and turned off up a road we've never been up before and just went wherever the wind may take us. In the end, we ended up on the road where Gary lives. Then we went up to Ben's halls from first year and home in time for Made in Chelsea. It was lovely weather, and it was a really nice walk. I think it'll be happening more often when the weather gets warmer.
Today, Rachel asked me what I was going to do when I have to leave this house. I said probably go home. She said, where does Gary live? North Wales. She actually got a bit mad with him, then said 'you'll be fine, there's trains'. Then Sam charged in with 'Gary lives in the arse end of nowhere.' Cheers for the vote of confidence, Sam. No wonder me and him aren't good friends anymore. But yeah, and I didn't feel upset. For the first time. Of course, since it's played on my mind a touch, if it hadn't, I wouldn't be typing this out. But, I don't feel like crying. I feel a bit disconnected from him this week. I get that we're both busy, but a couple of hours bbm-ing before bed won't kill him. But instead, he'd rather give in to his latest obsession - weight lifting and work out for an hour rather than talk to me. Maybe things will get better after Thursday. I don't know. Good thing is, Rachel's coming out Friday night, eep! Cannot wait to get drunk with her. So when Gary's running off with Jesus in the smoking area, I can stick with her and dance on the metal floor.
I feel a bit numb towards him, truth be told. On Sunday, I stayed at his and I got on a bit of a downer. He was nagging me to get my Oxford application sorted and I've been stressing because my lecturers haven't been responding to my emails. And so, I got a bit negative and stressy and went on a bit rant about how I'll probably not get in. I have back ups if I don't. But still, he says I annoy him when I get all negative. Which made me feel like shit in all honesty. All his ex's have been depressed properly, on anti-depressants and everything. Whereas, I'm not. I'm going through so much right now, and I really need him and I feel like he's not there. He says how much he's there for me and stuff, but whenever I want to talk or just be on a downer for half an hour, he gets the face on. I literally have only Ben to talk to these days and sometimes it's just not enough.
I've started building up the walls again, prepping myself to get hurt and put the armour back on. I know relationships can be hard sometimes, but when the 22 year old is acting like a 12 year old when his girlfriend needs him the most is ridiculous. I like him, I really fucking do, but I can't be dealing with the moods and how he makes me feel guilty for feeling the way I do.
For now, I need to go and try and sort out some sort of future.
It feels really weird now. Everyone keeps saying it's over, but really, it isn't. Most of us are sticking around till the end of June/beginning of July. So we've got another two months to go. But yeah, university's over, lectures are, but it feels more like the start of something new. I am scared, of course. All my life I've gone from education establishment to education establishment and I've always known where I'd end up. Now, I have no idea. Tonight I'm sending off my application to Oxford Brookes. I have no funding, but we'll see what happens. I'm also applying for an editoral internship, where you work from home. It's for a beauty and fashion website. Hopefully I'll get it. I want something to occupy my time.
Last night was horrid. I was in the middle of printing and I started panicking. My hands and legs were shaking, I didn't know what was happening. I felt like crying as well. So Ben, being the wonderful friend that he is, suggested going for a long walk. And my, did we walk. We went all the way up the main road, and turned off up a road we've never been up before and just went wherever the wind may take us. In the end, we ended up on the road where Gary lives. Then we went up to Ben's halls from first year and home in time for Made in Chelsea. It was lovely weather, and it was a really nice walk. I think it'll be happening more often when the weather gets warmer.
Today, Rachel asked me what I was going to do when I have to leave this house. I said probably go home. She said, where does Gary live? North Wales. She actually got a bit mad with him, then said 'you'll be fine, there's trains'. Then Sam charged in with 'Gary lives in the arse end of nowhere.' Cheers for the vote of confidence, Sam. No wonder me and him aren't good friends anymore. But yeah, and I didn't feel upset. For the first time. Of course, since it's played on my mind a touch, if it hadn't, I wouldn't be typing this out. But, I don't feel like crying. I feel a bit disconnected from him this week. I get that we're both busy, but a couple of hours bbm-ing before bed won't kill him. But instead, he'd rather give in to his latest obsession - weight lifting and work out for an hour rather than talk to me. Maybe things will get better after Thursday. I don't know. Good thing is, Rachel's coming out Friday night, eep! Cannot wait to get drunk with her. So when Gary's running off with Jesus in the smoking area, I can stick with her and dance on the metal floor.
I feel a bit numb towards him, truth be told. On Sunday, I stayed at his and I got on a bit of a downer. He was nagging me to get my Oxford application sorted and I've been stressing because my lecturers haven't been responding to my emails. And so, I got a bit negative and stressy and went on a bit rant about how I'll probably not get in. I have back ups if I don't. But still, he says I annoy him when I get all negative. Which made me feel like shit in all honesty. All his ex's have been depressed properly, on anti-depressants and everything. Whereas, I'm not. I'm going through so much right now, and I really need him and I feel like he's not there. He says how much he's there for me and stuff, but whenever I want to talk or just be on a downer for half an hour, he gets the face on. I literally have only Ben to talk to these days and sometimes it's just not enough.
I've started building up the walls again, prepping myself to get hurt and put the armour back on. I know relationships can be hard sometimes, but when the 22 year old is acting like a 12 year old when his girlfriend needs him the most is ridiculous. I like him, I really fucking do, but I can't be dealing with the moods and how he makes me feel guilty for feeling the way I do.
For now, I need to go and try and sort out some sort of future.
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