Back in 2009, I started Derby University sobbing my heart out. Mum and dad dropped me off at Nunnery Court, helped me settle in slightly and left me to it. I have never been so scared of anything in my entire life. I was living by myself. I'd have to cook and clean and be independent. It was a terrifying thought. At the time, I'd only been 18 for a couple of months, and I still felt like a baby. I feared my flatmates wouldn't like me, or I wouldn't like them and living there would be unbearable. I've never been so wrong about anything. Our little flat was perfect for that first semester. We went out all the time, we watched films together, just hung around in each others rooms. It was a blast, and I made some good friends for that first year. The one bad thing that will probably always haunt me about first year was that I never really clicked with anyone in my class. I thought they were all into anime and I didn't think I could level with any of them at all. So, I distanced myself. I had a couple of friends. Kat and Tom. (The former has remained my friend ever since we met) and I thought it'd be the same in second year.
First year was a blur. I think it was that year that gave me the confidence to continue. I remember the first ever spoken word lecture we had and Raymond had us go round and introduce ourselves, and say what things we liked to write. A lot of students said they'd written several novels already (none published) and I felt a bit daunted by it all. I had literally pulled the subject of creative writing out of my arse. I wrote bits and bobs in secret, and I was riding on that coat tail. There wasn't really any other reason for my being there. I'd never thought about writing novels or getting published. I just knew I had a raw talent that needed some work. And so, I was just the girl from Sheffield who sat near the loners and stragglers and always had to work with them.
In second year things were a bit different. I lived at home due to a housing situation falling through. So I feel that I missed out on a lot of things. I remained good friends with Tom and got into a group of joint honours/creative writers and the four of us stuck together most of the time. I loved hanging around with those three boys. I felt that because of them, my second year work flourished and my confidence in my work grew. Then I'll never forget that bus journey to uni when Aden sat next to me. He was part of what I called 'the anime group' in our class. He gave me his number and added me on Facebook and said I'd have to go out with them some time.
After that, I ended up signing a housing contract with Aden, Ben and Kim for third year, and I was invited to join this massive group of friends. It was weird, and it was strange, but I enjoyed it. After hand in, I went to stay at their house for a few nights and we went out to Mosh and Blue Note and I was introduced to this whole other world I'd missed out on. Then there was Michael, who I had a bit of a thing with at the time.
Then came third year. I moved into Crompton Street on the 1st September, and it's been an absolute shit storm ever since. Not always in a bad way, of course. I remember mum and dad leaving and I just sat in my computer chair, wondering how it was all going to turn out. I wasn't very close with anyone, and I wondered if Michael was going to keep to his promises of waiting for me over summer. (He didn't of course.) Those first few weeks were so surreal. I cried over Michael, started things with Gary, we went to Alton Towers, had meals, nights in Blue Note and Mosh, and it was mental. Things had to die down eventually. We slipped into a routine of lecturers, and going out on Friday's, and having people's birthday's. The very stressful Halloween party, a lovely night at the park for the fireworks, countless quizzes, and the night we actually won it, ethical request form dramas, people splitting up, people getting together. So much happened in that first semester. I found out things I really didn't want to know.
And so we came to 2012. Our graduating year. Makes it all seem so final. But, still. I've gotten through a total of thirteen modules (none of which I chose to do myself), one referral, several friends, one flat, one house, one boyfriend, a lot of frustrations, and drunken kisses, king's game dares, bad times and good.
I am disappointed in myself overall. I do wish I could've gotten better grades and a better degree. Gary has constantly reassured me and told me there's nothing more I could have done. The lecturers did mislead us, and I do feel somewhat betrayed, but there's not a great deal I can do about it right now. I've ended up with a 2:2. But it's not the end of the world. I can still do an MA. I can still do all the things I want to do in life. I just need to work on building my confidence back up.
This past year has taught me a lot. I've learned a lot about relationships. I enjoyed being with Gary, and I'm glad we can continue as friends. We had a really good run. Nine whole months without one argument, go us. It was upsetting saying bye, and it did break my heart. It was awful being there without him, but it's been better since I moved back home. I've also learned a lot about friendships. That the most unlikely friends are there at the right times. I've been so grateful to have Ben and Tom around this year. Kim and her ways taught me a lot. I learned not to trust people again. Despite all the shit she put us through, I wouldn't have changed it. She made me and Ben closer and has given us plenty of material to work with. As well as her there was Annie and Rachel, who I've always been thankful for. Creative practice felt like an escape, where I could spend time with those two and we could talk about all the things we wanted to. And there's been Darren, Alex, Emma, Aden, Jayde and everyone else.
It has been the most mental, yet brilliant three years, and despite all the drama and disappointment, I would never ever take back the experiences I've had or the friends I've got for the world.
