I feel like a lot has happened.
I went home and finished Mockingjay. Have to say, I'm very disappointed with the ending. The whole book wasn't as good as the previous two. But that's generally the way it goes in a series. There's always a weak link. Part of the reason why I try and avoid series style stories.
Gary and I had the long awaited talk. The one which determines what the hell we were going to do once this year is over. And long story short, we decided to break up. I kind of knew this would be the case. Way back in January, we had a similar conversation and he said long distance wasn't an option for him. It'd hurt and it wouldn't be fair to either of us. We're so used to only going a couple of days without seeing each other, and months and months would be too painful. Over the past few months I have thought he'd changed his mind. I kind of hoped he would. Back in January he was so blunt about it, and it really hurt me. I thought I wasn't enough for him to want to go through with it. I realise now, that isn't the case. I'm more than enough for him, he just doesn't want to go through that pain again and I can't blame him for looking out for himself. I've been doing the same since we had the dreaded talk.
I cried really hard. I haven't cried that much for a month or so now. It was horrible. And afterwards I felt numb and empty. He stayed at our house that night and dragged me round to Godfather's to buy pizza and cheesy dippers. Then we watched Saw 3. Things felt really different and horrible and it wasn't right. Then we spent all day yesterday together and we went to his house. I started playing on Spyro and got really frustrated when I couldn't do something. In the end, I burst into tears and we talked more. He cried. It's the first time I've seen him show any kind of emotion about this whole situation, and it sounds awful, but I felt better for it. It was agony to see him cry, but at the same time, I'm glad he's shown some sort of emotion. I trust that he was upset, but it really all came out last night. It was horrible. The whole situation is awful. I keep going over in my mind, that Adele quote when she says she had to accept the fact she'd met the love of her life at the wrong time. I think this is similar. Maybe not quite love, but I like this boy, more than anyone before him and possibly more than anyone after him. It feels so unfair that I have this wonderful person, who I want and need and he's slipping away.
The worst part, according to him, is the fact that we don't hate each other. There's no bitterness. Neither of us want to break up, but the alternative isn't plain sailing. He gave me a glimmer of hope for a few months time, but I don't want to set my heart on it. I know how fickle people can be. I get that it'll take some time to get over, it's just not nice not knowing how long. I don't want to feel like this for days never mind months or years. He said last night it'll take him a damn sight longer than the summer to get over me. I think I'm the same. I'll just go numb, stop listening to the music we listen to because it hurts too much.
But, we're still going to be friends. We agree the most painful thing when we're apart is an inability to talk to one another. So, yeah. I think it's possible. We won't see each other, it'll literally just be bbm's. It's going to be the hardest thing walking away from this boy and this wonderful relationship we have, but it's the only option.
In other more happier news. I found my MA. Music management at the University of Sheffield. Applying this weekend, and then need to find funding. But yes, that's what I want to do. I want to work in the music industry, not as an artist as I don't have the talent for it, but in that sector. I hope to god I get on, because any more rejections won't be good for my mental health right now. But over the summer I'm also going to do a year's publishing and editing course, which you do from home. So I will also have that to keep my occupied.
This week I feel like I've learned a lot. The walls have gone back up. I had a second helix piercing. We have our final farewell at university tonight, then cokes in the Jonty and a good portion of cheesy dippers from Letz Eat, then tomorrow is Alton Towers. There's lots to look forward to, but at the same time I can't squash the feelings of dread building up.
Counsellor Rik will have a tough job on his hands next Tuesday.
