So my university portfolios are currently sitting on my bedroom floor, printed, formatted, paginated, sorted into their folders with title sheets and contents tables. Handing in tomorrow. The day before official hand in. Terrifying.
It feels really weird now. Everyone keeps saying it's over, but really, it isn't. Most of us are sticking around till the end of June/beginning of July. So we've got another two months to go. But yeah, university's over, lectures are, but it feels more like the start of something new. I am scared, of course. All my life I've gone from education establishment to education establishment and I've always known where I'd end up. Now, I have no idea. Tonight I'm sending off my application to Oxford Brookes. I have no funding, but we'll see what happens. I'm also applying for an editoral internship, where you work from home. It's for a beauty and fashion website. Hopefully I'll get it. I want something to occupy my time.
Last night was horrid. I was in the middle of printing and I started panicking. My hands and legs were shaking, I didn't know what was happening. I felt like crying as well. So Ben, being the wonderful friend that he is, suggested going for a long walk. And my, did we walk. We went all the way up the main road, and turned off up a road we've never been up before and just went wherever the wind may take us. In the end, we ended up on the road where Gary lives. Then we went up to Ben's halls from first year and home in time for Made in Chelsea. It was lovely weather, and it was a really nice walk. I think it'll be happening more often when the weather gets warmer.
Today, Rachel asked me what I was going to do when I have to leave this house. I said probably go home. She said, where does Gary live? North Wales. She actually got a bit mad with him, then said 'you'll be fine, there's trains'. Then Sam charged in with 'Gary lives in the arse end of nowhere.' Cheers for the vote of confidence, Sam. No wonder me and him aren't good friends anymore. But yeah, and I didn't feel upset. For the first time. Of course, since it's played on my mind a touch, if it hadn't, I wouldn't be typing this out. But, I don't feel like crying. I feel a bit disconnected from him this week. I get that we're both busy, but a couple of hours bbm-ing before bed won't kill him. But instead, he'd rather give in to his latest obsession - weight lifting and work out for an hour rather than talk to me. Maybe things will get better after Thursday. I don't know. Good thing is, Rachel's coming out Friday night, eep! Cannot wait to get drunk with her. So when Gary's running off with Jesus in the smoking area, I can stick with her and dance on the metal floor.
I feel a bit numb towards him, truth be told. On Sunday, I stayed at his and I got on a bit of a downer. He was nagging me to get my Oxford application sorted and I've been stressing because my lecturers haven't been responding to my emails. And so, I got a bit negative and stressy and went on a bit rant about how I'll probably not get in. I have back ups if I don't. But still, he says I annoy him when I get all negative. Which made me feel like shit in all honesty. All his ex's have been depressed properly, on anti-depressants and everything. Whereas, I'm not. I'm going through so much right now, and I really need him and I feel like he's not there. He says how much he's there for me and stuff, but whenever I want to talk or just be on a downer for half an hour, he gets the face on. I literally have only Ben to talk to these days and sometimes it's just not enough.
I've started building up the walls again, prepping myself to get hurt and put the armour back on. I know relationships can be hard sometimes, but when the 22 year old is acting like a 12 year old when his girlfriend needs him the most is ridiculous. I like him, I really fucking do, but I can't be dealing with the moods and how he makes me feel guilty for feeling the way I do.
For now, I need to go and try and sort out some sort of future.
