Gonna put on that mask of make up & pretend everything's okay.

Sometimes, just sometimes, I want to sleep for days. I want to sleep until I feel better and the world around me is right again. I haven't felt like this for so long now, I'd forgotten I'd ever felt like it. That was until last week. I haven't slept properly for two days. I sleep for a couple of hours and wake up, toss and turn then burst into tears.

I don't know who I can talk to about things. Right now, nobody seems an option. So the internet, a blank screen sounds pretty perfect.

Because, everything is out of my control now. My best friend is depressed. Another one of my close friends is too. I've gotten to a point when I don't know what to say or do with either of them anymore. Going out doesn't help, it just makes it worse. They're both competitive girls and see others successes as their failures. They don't feel good enough with themselves, and nothing that anyone can do or say will change it. It's spiralled out of my control. A cheery text and a few cocktails used to pull their moods up, but now, it only makes them worse. It's horrid to see two people I love dearly act and think in the way they are at the moment. On top of that, yesterday my grandma, the only grandparent that's still standing, got her results from the memory clinic. She has Alzheimer's. The worst part about it is she didn't expect to have that thrown at her. She hasn't been herself since my grandad died two years ago, but when you hear that word, you assume the worst. After my mum told me I've been plagued by the nightmare of one day having to face up to the fact she doesn't know who any of us are anymore. My mum keeps reassuring me that she won't just deteriorate over night, but even so, a gradual process is terrifying. I've only ever heard of the horror stories associated with Alzheimer's, so of course I'm expecting the worst and focussing on what's going to happen in the future.

On top of all of this, I had a job interview yesterday and have to start tonight. Which is probably the world's shittiest timing. I'm no where near in the right mental frame to take in new things and listen to instructions. I'm exhausted and emotionally drained. I've been walking around in a numb state today. I just feel sadness, and dread at the thought of spending three hours in the pub my grandad spent most of his life dedicated to. That's the only reason I got the job. Because my grandad's name is engraved absolutely everywhere. I'm not ready for it at all. I don't need it right now. And I know for a fact I'll blow this trial period and be back at square one. But, to be honest, square one seems like a good place to be right now.

I think this summer has really gotten to me. I've been off university since the 5th May. I don't properly go back until the 27th September. I'm doing freshers in Sheffield from the 19th. I need some normality. Five months off sounded like heaven whilst I was chained to my desk slaving over my coursework, but at the moment, it's a fucking nightmare.

So how's it gonna feel when I leave this town?

i love sheffield. honestly, i really do. but right this second, i want out. if only for a little while. i just want to go away for a bit. but then, if i did, i'd be dying to come back. i need this polluted city air in my lungs to survive. it's a lifeline. i keep questioning whether i've done the right thing. i'm suffocated here, but at the same time i'm free. i need it. it's home. it's been the last nineteen years. it's where everyone drinks hendersons relish like it'll stop being made. where you can only get the greatest cheeseburger in the world three days a week. where all the good tours miss out, and i moan and groan about it for days on end. where it'll cost me £4.30 if i want to go further than hillsborough on the bus. where everyone understands my accent, it's not a novelty. where breadcakes are exactly that and i'm not lost in dialect translation. i can complain about this place to the stars and back, but i know deep down, i'll always love it. it's always going to be home, no matter how far i run, or how much i pull away, it'll draw me back, somehow. it's where everyone is. all those people who've helped make me what i am today. every single one of them is confined within the limits of this city, until they all disappear. but, i know they'll be pulled back by that magnetic force. it's where i'll feel most comfortable and like myself. it's home.

every single song reminds me of you.

over and over. splashed all over mtv. i listen to bands you hate to help me forget. again and again. you tainted the songs i once adored. wrecked my favourite films. dented the things that have made me up to be who i am. i wanted to fall for you. hard. i wanted butterflies in my stomach. i wanted the novel romance. the type all those authors have written about. i want our story printed on smooth pages. i want the world to know. i wanted to feel something towards you. but i don't. i can't let myself. it hurt for a while. then it stopped. numb. just cold. frozen in time. those feelings are trapped in a block of ice. it stops them from aging. stops them becoming bitter and twisted. love is scary. it all starts out so happy and slowly disintegrates. i don't want that to happen. it terrifies me. i don't want to be bitter and hateful at forty. in twenty years i still want to love someone. to adore them. the thought of ever losing them to kill me and tear me apart inside.

those songs still remind me of you. again and again. the memories are disconnected. a part of something else. trapped in that block of ice. forever. those songs, those words woven together to create something beautiful are much more than you. and always will be.

Consider yourself one of my best friends

You know how there's always that friend you're not really friends with?

Yeah, I've got one of those. Honestly, I don't believe I've ever been without one since being twelve/thirteen years old, that was when the corruption of the Regina George alike secondary school girls began. We were all Cady's at one point, and some morphed into Regina's. I was a Gretchen. Desperate to be liked and loved, and couldn't understand why people would hate me. Ever so slightly conceited, I know, but I shed that skin after a year or so.

But back to the friend you're not really friends with. The friends I have at the moment are probably some of the best I've had in my short life. I don't know if it's because we've just grown up or because we genuinely like each other, but there's less bitching. Way less bitching. To be honest, the only one that gets bitched about is Beau, and that's not so often. That mainly comes around after we've been sitting in Yates for two hours waiting for her grand arrival, only to have her disappear somewhere between there and Babylon.

Basically, Beau is the friend we're not really friends with. She's quite flaky, and flits in and out of everything. She's very much a fair weather friend, coming and going as and when she pleases. It sounds awful, but she's the friend we're not really friends with because of this. That, and the negative effect she has over everyone. Beau would be a less severe Regina in our world.

But the rest of us are just, us. I was done being a Gretchen a long, long time ago.

word vomit.

time flies. it's passing by at the speed of light. grab every precious second of it and cling on for dear life. one year, two, three, four. changes. people slipping and sliding in and out of my life. i have one constant in this ever changing world. flaky friends who flit in and out. life is like a revolving door. it's never the same. even though it feels like it. different faces with different names. clothes, shoes, places, people, transport. i feel old, but i'm young. i drink like an alcoholic and never get a hangover. i don't listen but work out instructions for myself. i'm good with physical directions, but have no idea where i'm headed. the world makes me angry. i think i know best, but i probably don't. i like a bass line echoing around my rib cage, but i'm scared of going deaf. i want to leave, but sheffield has my heart. i want to love and be loved back. i'm sick of one way streets. i want more, but these invisible barriers are holding me back. say yes, not no. my head is a nice place to live, shame it's not up for sale. i think it's original, then read a book that's pretty much what i just wrote. i want to love myself, but i can't help the hatred. putting on a mask every day. make up. false confidence. talking like i'm so sure of myself. but i'm not. trying not to hate on first impressions, it's a waste of time. wanting to know people, but scared that i won't like them if i do. going to make it on my own, but far too dependant on them. dreaming of the day i can buy the macbook & designer handbag, but knowing it'll never happen. scared that in two/three years i'll still be non the wiser. don't shut me out of the loop, i want to bt in the centre of it. getting what i want, then changing my mind. it changes as much as the world revolves on it's axis. always.

19 ain't so different....

Last night was such a good laugh. 19th kicked my 18th scrawny, shitty behind.

24th July 2009, I was close with a girl who's done me more harm than good. Mentally. Constant put downs do that to a person's already shattered self esteem. Fast forward to 2010, where I've been pulled into a new friendship group. These are much more positive people and I want to be around them, I look forward to going out and love that it's not always down to me to arrange things. With her, it always was. I invited her this year, and she claimed to have 'family shit' going down. If I'm honest, I'm glad she didn't come. I didn't want to endure the shitty clubs she so enjoys and have to listen to her bitch about the girls that have been there for me for the past six or so months.

24th July 2010 started at Yates with no awkward silences and tension in the air. We sat around a table and laughed and joked and drank a lot. Alicia brought her boyfriend, who's ended up with a stamp of approval because he's lovely. Everyone was happy, especially when the pitchers of purple rain appeared, and all the daft pictures really show it. I caught up with a few people from school in Babylon and drank silly amounts of doubles and cocktails. Granted, we had the half hour drama at the end of the night when William lost his jacket and some guy tried it on with Liz. It's safe to say we found the jacket and had a few tears but it's nothing a kebab couldn't sort out.

I can honestly say, everyone asked me if I'd had a good birthday, and every time I answered with a 'yeah'. Not a half arsed lie, a genuine truth.

Nineteen sounded way older than eighteen. I thought I wouldn't be able to act as daft as I did. But I can. I'm still a teenager. Old enough to be taken seriously, and young enough to get away with acting like an idiot and doing stupid things. It sounds so deep for a birthday, but I think getting a year older is going to teach me something. I'm starting to shed the people I don't need in life and I think nineteen is going to be the year to do that, cut all those ties for good and move on.

Eighteen treated me pretty well, but I think nineteen's going to do one better.

Even if the sun sets, I will start a fire.

I'm happy but I'm unhappy at the moment.

I've been so sure of myself for so long. I know I'm doing the right thing by moving back home properly for the year ahead. If I went back to halls I'd be plagued by bad thoughts. It's risky business. This past year I was lucky to live with four really decent people. Of course after Christmas all those friendships we built up broke down, I drifted away from two of them, one was kicked out and I was pushed towards the fourth because of this. I found myself crying myself to sleep more often in that second semester and having to walk around with a weight on my shoulders. I know that commuting will be a pain in the arse. I've thought of it all. I've weighed up the pros and cons. I'm sorry, Derby, but Sheffield kicks your arse in pretty much every corner. It's my mum's doubts and worries. She passes it on to me and I've found myself accessing the university website and being so close to clicking on the link to apply for halls once again. I know if I found it difficult, I could go back. God knows where they'd put me - Lonsdale or Laverstoke, I guess, but I wouldn't really care.

University has it's good aspects and it's bad one's. In the very beginning, I caught 'freshers flu' and slept for the best part of two days. I missed one lecture. The lecture where everyone seemed to establish their friendships. When I returned for the next one, everyone seemed to be grouped up. There's a few other outsiders, but they seem to cope just fine sitting by themselves and rarely striking up conversation with anyone else. I found it difficult at first. I couldn't understand why no one seemed to want to speak to me. I used to be in the big groups at college. The one's always making a rackett and laughing in the middle of mock exams. It was a shock to the system to suddenly be on the outside looking in. But I dealt with it. I took books to class and read before the lecturers started up. The beauty of having no friends made it easier for me to present my work and not care what anyone else thought, but at the same time, it made it harder on me when class douche bag, Calder, ripped my presentation to pieces in a really rude and nasty way. I've grown numb to my single honours peers. Joint honours are a different story, they're less competitive, and much more approachable people.

Since leaving I've decided that I'm no longer there to be everyone's friend. I'm nice to people when they speak to me and I allow myself to comment on other people's work if it's positive. But why bother trying to include myself if the more I push, the more everyone else pulls away? If I'm honest, there's only a handful of people in the class that I think I could be friends with. Everyone else shows their true colours when ripping into other's work and leaving that persons confidence in tatters.

Honestly, I only want to focus on getting what I need to get. I need a first or a 2.1 to even go on to do a masters. And then I can come back to Sheffield, and leave all the angst behind and have fun with my friends here. They're the one's pulling me through at the moment.